I'm blogging today just so that I can say that I blogged. I've gone back to work cleaning only one house a day, usually in the a.m. I'm grateful to God that I was able to pay my rent for the first time since July. It's due mainly in part to the fact that some of my customers gave me a Christmas bonus even though I didn't deserve one this year.

I'm struggling physically with trying to be patient as my body heals from the chemo drugs. I tire easily and it's hard for me to deal with, because I've never felt tired before. Now, I have the energy in the a.m. to do one or two things, and then I have to rest in the afternoon or I can't make it through the rest of the day. My emotional state isn't much better. Most days I crash. I can't seem to handle much stress right now. My car was acting weird this weekend so I missed going to church but I didn't really feel up to going anyways. Most days I just want to stay in and "veggie". Then my sound system went out on my computer and on top of all that, I'm finally coming down with a cold. It's too much on my platter right now. I don't have the resolve to deal with too many problems at one time. My car's electrical fan near the radiator stopped working, (one more thing), but Nick is going to look at it, it's just one more broken thing to have to deal with right now.

I'm thinking 2009 will be better. . .one can only hope. I'm trying to sound upbeat, but it's just not in me right now. I'll blog another day when I'm able to deal with stuff. Don't worry, I usually "crash" after the major trial, but I always bounce back, I'm just not patient enough these days. Everything will work out, it always does.

I survived this week. . .

I can't believe it's already Friday! Where has the week gone? It's been a busy one for me. I've worked everyday this week and on Tuesday, I cleaned two homes. One thing that I've noticed is that I don't' move as quickly as I used to. I noticed that even when I'm walking with other people, they walk much faster than I do. I guess that's what happens when you sit "idle" for so long. I'm sure I'll speed up eventually. I'm fighting a headache tonight, but it's probably because of all the things that I've done this week. It's been a busy one, that's for sure!

Tonight, Shannon is supposed to call anytime now and we're going to decide if we want to go see the musical light show at Lake Myra. I'm pretty sure that they've had to cancel it every night this week because of the rain and fog in the area. Maybe tonight will be different. We'll see. . .

Tomorrow I have no plans all day except to finish filling out my Christmas cards. I've started the process but I probably have at least a couple more hours before I'm finished. I'm such a procrastinator! If things take a long time to finish, I have a hard time sticking to it until it gets down to the final wire, time wise. I'll put all of the cards in the mailbox tomorrow. No excuses!

I wanted to let you know about the new movie, Marley and Me. It comes out Christmas Day. My friends, Robin and Pedro went to the premiere last night. It's not the kind of movie that you want to take your family to see, especially not on Christmas Day. It's a movie about this dog, Marley, of course, but the movie is all about his life and how in the end they have to euthanize him, (yes they show this part). My friends said there wasn't a dry eye in the theatre. It was especially hard for Robin to watch. They have an older dog, Raleigh, that's getting to the stage where they're going to have to make some tough decisions concerning his health and quality of life. Some of you have been there, so you know how hard this is. I'm not sure why a movie had to be made like this, and to premiere it on Christmas Day is distasteful, if you ask me. I just wanted to give you a heads up, in case you were thinking of seeing this movie.

Enough movie talk. . .are you tired of hearing everyone ask you if you're ready for Christmas yet? I'm not really sure what to say to people. I haven't done any shopping. I HAVE baked Christmas cookies, (which I'm thoroughly enjoying!), and I have all the Christmas decorations up, inside and out. The stockings are hung up waiting to be filled, (I'll probably fill them), and I've been listening to all my neat Christmas music around the house. I've watched Christmas movies when I've had the chance, and we just performed the Cantata on Sunday a.m. I still haven't gotten to see the musical light show, but that's probably going to take place tonight or this weekend. I think in answer to that question, I'm more prepared this year at this time, than I've ever been in years. You see, my focus hasn't been on the shopping, baking, decorating, music, movies, etc. but truly my heart has been thinking about Him.

Two weeks ago at church. they used some clips from the "Nativity" in the early service. I'd forgotten how much is portrayed in this movie. The last scene they showed was the birth of Jesus. It's hard for me to watch that scene and not cry. I can't fathom why God would give up all of heaven and come to earth as a baby, no less, just because of His love for me. What's more vulnerable than a newborn? So many things could have happened! Before you start commenting to me about how God had it all in His plans, I know that, but still, a BABY?? I think about Mary and the position that she was placed in, the disgrace to her family, the disgrace to her Joseph. It's obvious that they had to have a lot of trust in each other, but more importantly, they had trust in God. I wonder if I would have that much trust in Him? They were outcasts until Jesus was born, and even then, people would know that Jesus was not Joseph's son. What a heavy burden to carry for 9 months! I wonder if they felt afraid when they had to travel to Bethlehem because of the census being taken? When Joseph was the only one there in that stable and had to help bring Jesus into the world, can't you imagine how much fear they must have felt? We panic if the labor pains are 2-3 minutes apart and we're not near a hospital where there are doctors to help us. They had no one!! No women were there to help Mary deliver her firstborn! She had Joseph only, to rely upon. There aren't very many dads out there that would want to change places with Joseph. They're more than happy to stay at their wife's side and let her squeeze their hands during each contraction, but DELIVER their firstborn, I think not!! When we think of Christmas, as Christians, we know that Christmas is all about Jesus' birth, but do we think about all that took place before the beautiful ending? Mary and Joseph had so much faith in God, that they were willing to trust in Him for everything, no matter what the circumstances. Oh, that my faith could be that strong!! I love the manger scene like everyone else does, but this year, God has reminded me to "look" at the before pictures and to put it all into perspective. Where would I be today if Mary and Joseph had chosen to do things their own way?

Maybe that's why God chose such young people to fulfil His most awesome plan. I think the older we get, the more set in our ways we become, and the harder it is to just let God be God in our lives. My life this year hasn't gone anything like I would have planned it, and yet I'm glad that I could see God all along the way. I have always said that it's the "people" in my life that bring me happiness. It's never been about the "stuff" that we as humans collect. God has used so many of you to bring me happiness this year. My heart at times has been overflowing with your love and compassion towards me. It's been so special to be able to have lunch or dinner with many of you, and to just laugh together, remembering old times. When I was working so much before, it was so hard to get together with you, but I've had these past 6 months to reconnect with you guys and I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas! I'm looking forward to having a day to just spend with the "kids". I'm not traveling this year back to Indiana,(which is probably good, seeing as how the weather isn't cooperating), but I'm planning on going back probably in March or possibly the end of January. It will all depend on the weather, and if my work schedule and my wallet can handle it. With gas prices down right now, that helps. We'll just see how everything plays out. My energy level isn't strong enough yet to make the trip, but a lot can change in a month's time.

Angel tree ministry

Just wanted to jot this down for future reference. . .I was disappointed that I wouldn't have any extra money to be able to sponsor a child from the angel tree this year at our church. I DID fix a box for Samaritan's purse but I opted out of the angel tree this year. I'm not buying presents for anyone this year, (finances just aren't there).I'm praying that I'll have enough to pay something toward my rent,(it looks real good in that dept.). I haven't paid any rent since July and James, the landlord has been so understanding. He was deeply concerned about my health so he let it slide. He was a customer of mine for the past two years, so we have a personal relationship as well as a business one. My rent was increased in June, because I remember seeing a letter when I got home from the hospital but I honestly don't know how much it is now. Whatever I pay him, will be fine. My goal is to be back to full capacity by the mid-to-end of January. I'm feeling very good right now. People keep telling me not to overdue, but I'm not sure what my energy level is at because I don't push myself as hard as I used to. I take each day as it is.

Back to why I'm blogging twice in one day. When I was walking over to the other side of the church tonight, I passed by the church library and there was a big bag ready to go out for the angel tree ministry. It was the last bag to be delivered and the people didn't want to let me take it, but I did a little bit of begging, so. . .tomorrow a.m. I'm making a "Santa" visit in Wake Forest. I'm so glad that God let me be used of Him. I talked to the mom tonight and she was so appreciative, (they always are!). I might not have been able to buy the gifts but at least I get to deliver them. Thanks God!! He always works things out in just the right way, don't you agree?

He even let me do some Christmas shopping without spending any of my own money. My friend, Cindy, and I got to shop for all of the tutoring kids this year, all 19 of them. We decided to buy everyone a game this year. Our budget was $10 a person and we were able to find each kid a game within our budget. The kids had a lot of fun opening them today. It's always fun watching kids open their gifts. Jerry, our minister in charge of the tutoring program, even had a gift for us leaders. I got a beautiful candle that has peppermints melted into the sides of it. It's very nice. I will think of the tutoring ministry everytime that I use it.

I still haven't heard from Katie so I'm not sure what the Christmas schedule is yet. I know that Shannon is joining me at church Christmas Eve for the service. Katie and Nick will probably be there also, who knows? Katie's a hard one to connect with.

Well, that's all for now. Not too bad. . .blogging twice in a one day. I wonder if that's a record?

back to work. . .

Hey, this should be short, because like all of you, I have a life again. As much as I've tried to find another job, my home cleaning business is growing again. I'm not complaining, I absolutely love my job. I only wish I could make enough to be able to afford the taxes. Being self-employed and with no benefits, is costly! I'm so grateful though, that God has allowed me an income to be able to pay my bills. I started working again once I got past the last treatment. I worked 3 days the first week, 4 days the 2nd week, and now this week, I'm working 5 days and yesterday I cleaned two houses instead of just one a day. Today I interviewed for another new house that I'm cleaning next Tuesday and she wants me to come every other week. Before I got sick, I was cleaning 2-3 houses a day, depending on their size.

I don't have a lot of time to blog right now. I need to shower and then head out to tutoring from 4-5, dinner at church from 5-6:30 and then G.A.'s from 6:30-7:30. We have the choir Christmas party tonight, but I'm skipping it this year. It would be nice to see everyone but I don't want to wear myself out and I have a big house to clean in the a.m. and then Robin called and I'm babysitting the kids tomorrow night. It'll do me good to come home and rest up for the rest of the week.

I think Shannon and I are going to go and see the Christmas lights on Friday night, The Aids Care team tried to go Monday night, but it was rainy in Knightdale and foggy, so they cancelled the show that night. Hopefully we'll have better luck on Friday. If you haven't seen the show yet, google lake myra christmas lights and it will take you to their website. It's pretty cool!! The kids and I have been going for years. We found out about it through Katie's band director, Mr. Arnold, when she was in high school and we've been going every since.

Well, gotta go shower or I'm going to be late. The kids are going to be "wired" today. We're having our Christmas party for them today. We bought each kid a game. They'll love it and we're having special snacks today. Wish me luck. . .

CURED

So many of you have emailed me and asked why I haven't blogged in such a long time and the truth of the matter is, that I couldn't blog. My brain was so scattered that I couldn't put my thoughts into words. Ever feel like that? It could have been the fact that I went back to cleaning one house a day and then trying to keep up with all the evening activites, there wasn't much left to me at the end of the day. But. . .I'm back.

I got my CAT scan results back yesterday a.m. and the oncologist told me that I"m "cured". I asked her to say it again, because I didn't even realize that that was an option. I thought the best scenario that I could hope for was remission. I thought that you had to go 2 years without the reoccurence of cancer before they could say you're cured. Apparently not! The oncologist told me that I don't do anything nornal, (does that surprise any of you who know me?), and that because I had had all of my surgery before starting chemo, if the CAT scan showed no cancer cells, then I'm cured. WOW!! What else is there to say? Yesterday I found out even more so how much of a miracle all of this is. No one had told me after my surgery, but apparently the 5 liters of fluid that they removed as well, contained something like grains of sand in it. My whole abdominal cavity was filled with these grains of sand, so. . . for the CAT scan to be completely clean seems almost impossible. God is so good!!

Now I try and figure out where God is leading me on my next journey. I'm not exactly sure where that is yet, but there's no doubt that He'll be going with me, He always does.

I'm feeling pretty good. The oncologist asked me what percentage I felt I was back to working with, and I told her 30-40%. She then asked me to give her an example of a typical day for me and when I finished she started laughing and told me that I was operating at a 70-80% level, but I told her that she had asked me what level "I" was working at and in comparison to what I was doing before June of this year, I'm only at a 30-40% level. She called me an "overachiever". We all laughed! You who know me, know that I DO cram a lot into my day, but if it wore me out, or made me feel exhausted at the end of the day, then I'd scale back, but that's never been the case. God provides all of my strength everyday to accomplish all that He has for me. You may call me an overachiever, I just say I love serving Him with my whole heart. I can't imagine living my life any other way.

Am I thankful enough?

I was sitting in church yesterday and the theme was being thankful. No surprise since this is the week of Thanksgiving. Everyone is reminded to be thankful this time of year, but as the sermon began, God talked to me. He asked me if I am thankful enough? Am I thankful no matter what the circumstances are? Is being thankful my first response to trials or does it take me awhile to get there? As I sat in the pew and pondered these thoughts, I realized that I'm growing in Christ. Even 3 years ago, my response to anything going wrong would have been, why me? Why now? Why this? As I've said before, this year has been a hard one, to say the least, but I can honestly say, with God as my witness, that during this trial, I've never asked those three questions. I've never questioned God about any of this. You, who know my heart, know that I'm not trying to boast or brag about this, but I'm realizing through this trial how much God has changed my heart over the years. I no longer feel the need to question God about His plans for my life, or His interceding when life seemed to be going along ok.

If I had to choose one word to describe myself, it would be realistic or practical. Some of you would describe me as an "upbeat, optimistic" kind of person, but I would say that I'm a realist.
You know when they ask you if you see the glass as half-empty or half-full, well, I see it as both. The reality is, it IS half-empty AND half-full. Both answers are correct.

This reminded me that in life, there are two sides to every trial or circumstance. Here are just a few examples that I've experienced this year alone.
-the loss of my Dad. . .what a loss! It would have been nice to have him stick around for the 2 years that they gave us with his first diagnosis, but that would have meant that he'd have to suffer for two very long years. How could I possibly wish him back to me from Heaven?
-my heart issues. . .I was diagnosed with a heart murmur when I was a little kid. When I got pregnant for the first time, they said the murmur was actually a mitral valve prolapse. I've never had any side effects and I don't take any medications for my condition and a couple years ago I found out that I now have 2 leaking valves instead of one, but still no problems. If my heart hadn't started racing because of the increased fluid caused by the grapefruit sized mass on my ovary, I wouldn't know about the ovarian cancer.
-my surgery in June. . .before my surgery, they told me that the cancer had probably spread to my colon and that I would probably have to have a colostomy bag but instead the cancer had spread to my spleen. I've had no side effects from the removal of my spleen. My immune system seems to be working just fine.
-my hospital stay. . .with the amount of surgery that I had, I should have stayed there for 3-5 weeks, but I was released in 2 weeks. It's possible that I would have been able to go home after one week, but the allergic reaction to the morphine made that first week impossible, plus, I've never seen a bill from UNC for anything.
-chemo. . .need I say more! Chemo brought 4 of my dearest friends back into my life when life had become so busy, that we'd lost touch with each other.

My list could go on and on, but you get the picture. All of these things have negative(half-empty) connotations to them, but through them all, God always showed me the positive(half-full) side. It's not that I'm an upbeat or optimistic type of person, I just saw God in it all. How can my glass only be half-empty when God is involved? Life will always be rough, but God promises that He will always walk with me through it all. Everything that happens in life has two sides to it. My question to you is this, do you look for both sides, or are you still looking at life from just the one side? As we begin to know Him more and more, how can we ever just see the one side? No matter how much we hurt, no matter how hard life seems sometimes, how can we not see Him walking with us? It's true that bad things happen to good people but it's also true that great things happen to those whose trust is in the Lord, amen? AMEN

I Thess. 5:18 says, "No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.(TLB). Being thankful, inspite of our circumstances, is what God longs for us. Begin to look at life's trials as half-full instead of half-empty. Make Christ's attitude become your attitude. Don't just thank Him for the good things in life. We've heard over and over again in sermons, that it's the trials that build our character. My little conversation with God in that pew yesterday, reminded me of how much He's helped my faith grow in Him and how much I'm slowly becoming more and more like Him everyday. Praise be to Him!! If He can mold me( yes, some of you think I'm already "moldy" enough, hee! hee!), then there's hope for everyone. I'm very stubborn and strong willed, but you already know that! Still, He keeps hanging in there with me. Is that awesome or what?? I so don't deserve any of this that comes from Him, and yet He's still walking with me. It blows my mind! To think that anyone could love me that much!! How can I not have an attitude of thanksgiving? How can ANYONE belonging to Christ, not have an attitude of thanksgiving?

So. . .thanks be to God for everything. For the good, the bad, the uninvited interruptions, for everything, thanks be to God!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Cheryl

Hey Gang,
I'm finally back to normal today. Yesterday was a little tiring, what with all the tutoring and church stuff in the evening, but I survived! Today, I'm feeling like my old self again. I don't really have any plans for today except playing catch up with all the stuff I haven't been able to do the past few days.

One of my goals for today is to write a note to all of my customers letting them know that I'm finished with chemo and that I'm ready to go back to work. I haven't heard anything from the school system yet, and I'm a little concerned since I heard this a.m. on the news that the school system is considering a hiring freeze. I know that it's all in God's hands, so. . .my goal right now is to possibly clean one house a day in the a.m. and my friend, Sherry G. told me that they're hiring transportation people to take the kids to after school programs. They pay $10 and hour and you don't have to have a CLD license either. It's just a thought. I have to have an income soon. I WILL receive my full Social Security benefits on Dec. 4th, so that helps. It's not much, but it's something. I also have to start paying rent again, as soon as possible. If I sound a little overwhelmed, it's because I am. My life has been put on hold for the past 5 months and now all of a sudden, I'm supposed to be able to jump right back in, and I'm not exactly sure how to do that. I think my energy level will be ok, I just need to start out slow and work up to working all day. We all know it will all work out, it always does.

Can you believe it time for the holidays already? Where has this year gone? I'm thinking that I might pull out the Christmas stuff tomorrow. It's all on my screened in back porch and it sounds like it's going to be cold this weekend, so better to pull it out when it's 50 degrees instead of 40 degrees. The kids usually come over on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we put everything up, but since I have no life right now and they are so busy, I'm thinking I might just do it myself. I don't think they'll mind. It WILL be fun to pull out all the Christmas music and all the Christmas DVD's. Maybe it will lift my spirits a little bit. Hope you all enjoy getting together with you families this Thanksgiving. I'm spending the day with the kids. I still don't know any details, but I know they're expecting me and that's all that I need to know right now.

I have so much to be thankful for. As you all know this has been a very hard year, to say the least, but I'm so blessed in so many ways. The kids all have jobs that are secure, I feel like my old self, and my chemo days are over. Need I say more!! My life will become normal and God will continue to meet my needs on a daily basis. He will lead me to a new job.

Well, I need to get the letters out to my customers today, so more another time. Love to ya' all!
Cheryl (Aunt) Sharon

Today is another day. This last treatment is kicking my butt big time! I can't seem to get my energy level back. I know that this is normal, so I'm not worried at all, just frustrated. You know how I like to stay busy. Busy for me today, is taking a shower, feeding the cats and drinking lots of water. That's about all the energy I have today.

It's very cold outside, so they say. I went out and fed the cats this a.m. but since then I've laid on the sleeper sofa, barely able to move. It's getting better. I just climbed out of the shower and climbed into my Dad's Notre Dame sweatshirt. When I Dad died in January, we all got to choose something of his to keep. I chose this sweatshirt and his Skin Bracer aftershave. On days when I'm struggling, I put it on and just remember how good he smelled. I'll stay snuggled up in the memories all day.

My body doesn't hurt as much as yesterday, I'm just exhausted today!! God has been so good to me throughout all of this. Other people have to keep working and I can honestly say that there's no way that I could have done my job the week following chemo treatments. My heart goes out to them! The body at New Hope have taken such good care of me, but now it's time for me to stand on my own two feet and get on with my life. I heard from Target, and they're not hiring. I haven't heard from anyone else yet. Hopefully the school thing will work out.

Well, my tummy is growling and I think I have just enough energy to warm up a TV dinner.
More another time

Cheryl (Aunt) Sharon

I will leave you with one funny story. Last week I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I didn't have a hat on or my wig. I was rubbing the top of my head when I discovered that there was a snarl in my hair. Now, I only have about 10-15 strands of hair left so how does something like this happen? I've had baby fine, stick straight hair my whole life, and I honestly can't remember when I've had a snarl, but somehow 3 strands of hair had managed to get snarled. I just started laughing and ended up pulling out all three strands. There was nothing else I could do. They would not unknot themselves. So. . .now I guess I'm down to 7-12 strands of hair. It's par for the course! Have a great day!

Well gang,
My side effects have started a day earlier this time. The medications are working fine though, so I'll make it. I made it out to church this morning but I was too tired to wear my wig or to try to impress anyone with how well I was feeling. It was obvious that I didn't feel up to par. Maybe I'll feel better a day earlier this time, who knows. Again, I'll be fine. It's hard to feel too bad when I know this is the last time I"ll have to work through the flu-like symptoms, you know what I mean? Besides, how bad can I really be feeling, I'm blogging for you guys, right?

I'm trying to finish the Beth Moore bible study for this evening, so I've got to make this blog short, but they're all too long anyways. If I'm up to it, I'll blog tomorrow. I just wanted to keep everyone in the loop. Oh, and Robin I loved our girls afternoon movie session with Ari. We'll have to do it again. Love to you all and thanks always for your prayers.

Cheryl, (Aunt) Sharon

just a quick checking in , . .

Just wanted to check in with all of you. Yes, today was the last day for my chemo. It went very well. We were there about 5 1/2 hrs. No problems with the IV, although the nurse did look a little nervous and commented many times while looking for just the right vein in the back of my hand to use, how glad she was that it was my last one! Made me a little nervous, I gotta tell ya', but she did great!!

Today was bitter/sweet for me. It was a very emotional today. I had so many mixed feelings today. Today was a day of victory for me and I fully believe that, but I remembered how much I wanted this victory for my dad in January of this year. Before you all start commenting back to me about how he DID receive HIS victory, I know this to be true, but I miss him so much!! He received the ultimate victory that we're all longing for. I would never wish him back here again, but I know that you understand, when I say that I miss him sooo much!! I'm so glad that he was called home before we found out any of this stuff with me. He saw me as the "Rock" of the family and I honestly don't think he could have endured watching me go through this. It wouldn't have matter that it's been fairly easy for me and I'm almost at the end of this journey already, none of that would have matter to him. This would have crushed his heart but more importantly his spirit. I'm grateful that he was spared that kind of pain. Thank you Father for just one of the good things right now.


I DID go out to dinner with the UNC ladies and my daughter Shannon was able to join us as well.
I feel ok tonight, just sleepy. The 25 mg. of Benadryl that they gave me today is still kicking my butt! It usually wears off 6-8 after, but not today. It probably doesn't help that it's been rainy here all day and in fact it's still raining tonight. That always makes people sleepy.
No other complaints though. I feel pretty good. I won't have effects until Sunday night or Monday a.m. that will last until Wed. night. The good part is that this is the last time that I will have to work around days of feeling achy or tired. God is so good!!


I'll have a CAT scan done on Friday, Dec. 5th at 9:30 and a follow-up appt. with the oncologist, Dr. Speca on Friday, Dec.12th at 8:40. I have fallen in love with Dr. Speca finally. We got off to a shaky start. I didn't feel like she was listening to what I was trying to say about my reactions to medications. but by the 4th treatment, she did a complete turn around and I've loved her every since. She's not an outwardly expressive type of person, but she was VERY expressive with me on Wed, of this week. We talked about the feeling that I'm beginning to have and she told me that her and Dr. Soper believe that I'm totally clean of cancer and have been since my surgery in June and that this chemo was only precautionary. They both believe that the CAT scan will show that there are no more cancer cells anywhere. She even hugged me,(so totally out of character for her), and told me to hang in there and that everything was going to be ok. She was looking forward to seeing me in 4 weeks and every 6 months after that. She wants to see me every 3 months but that's not the schedule that Dr. Soper,(the gynecologist has set up). They're alternating my 3 months visit between them for the next 2 years. She told me that she would miss me not coming in because I have a great sense of humor and she always feels better after our visits.

Before any of you put me up on a pedestal, don't bother. It's not like that. She likes seeing me because my case is uplifting compared to other people that she's trying to help. We talked about how different my situation is from the others around me. Most of them are coming in for a round of chemo, which will be followed by a round of radiation, then possibly surgery, and then most likely another round of chemo. That's why all of them each know each other's names. I don't hardly know any of their names. I've never had the same nurse twice until today. It was always someone different. I'm not scheduled for radiation because ovarian cancer doesn't respond to radiation, and I've already had the surgery, so I'm way ahead of the others at the cancer center. My journey(Lord willing), is almost ready to end at least for now.


My next step is job hunting. I'm feeling led to work with kids again. I've applied to be a teaching asst./substitute for the Wake County Public School System and then I've also applied to work part time for New York and Company during nights, and weekends. I applied to work at Target (mini city area), and Walmart(Knightdale). I'm waiting until the end of next week and then I'm going out to apply at Build-a-Bear and maybe a couple of other stores at Crabtree and possibly Barnes and Noble at Triangle. If you think that there's another job that I would enjoy, let me know.


My friend, Leia, has asked me to pray about writing devotionals for Lifeway to use. She's been reading my blogs and has known me now for several years and feels that my blogs are stuff that they're always looking for to help younger women with their struggles and how they can persevere through anything if their foundation is Him. I'm still praying . . .but I'd love to hear your comments. Please feel free to be honest. I'm not sure that I want to write for other people. This blog is not written for others, it's a way for me to express what God has placed on my heart and since I don't have anyone living with me right now, it's easier to write it out.


Well . . .it's hard to keep my eyes open, so time for me to call it a day. Your prayers carried me through today, so thanks. See some of you soon, and those of you in Indiana, maybe before I start working full time, I might need to make a trip to Indiana. I'll see how finances are for Dec. I miss seeing all of you. Please know that I feel exactly like I did during my last visit. I'm not hiding anything from you. I feel great most of the time and even on the 2-3 "bad" days after my treatment, it's not any worse than feeling like a have a slight case of the flu. All my medications are working still and the good news is that now my hair will begin coming back in within the next 2-3 weeks. I'll be really grateful when the eyelashes grow back. That's kind of a hassle to work around right now. The headaches are getting better. I don't know if it's because the weather is settling down, or because I'm trying to read less, and the chemo is close to being done. I can still call the oncologist for any prescriptions that I feel that I might need, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I just need to rest a little bit longer and then gradually try and get some of my life back.

Again, thanks for your prayers, they've made the difference in everything for me.
Love, Cheryl, (Aunt) Sharon
Some of you have asked why I put (Aunt) and Sharon in parenthesis. I'm known as Sharon or Aunt Sharon by all of my family in Indiana. I've never been called Cheryl by any of them, but all the rest of you know me as Cheryl so that's why. . .

not a long one this time. . .

This will not be a long blog this time, I promise. It's just an update on how I'm doing. I think the accumulative affects of chemo are beginning to hit finally, or maybe I'm just "whiny", who knows? I just know that my eyes feel like they do when I'm suffering from allergies. They feel dry and itchy. I don't have a cold but my nose is definitely drippy, too. I DID notice that my vision is getting more blurry with each passing week. It's hard for me to read my Bible right now, no matter what time of day it is. Thank goodness for the Internet. I can go to Christianity.com and pull up my own bible study page and enlarge the text for whatever I need it to be for that day. We're only up to size 16 so it's all good. I noticed yesterday that I only have about 15 eye lashes left so that might explain why my eyes feel the way that they do. It's not too bad, just irritating at times. I only have one more treatment on Friday, (GO ME!), and I've heard that the eye lashes are the first hair to grow back, so I'll make it.

Another complaint that I have is the headaches that I've been having. It's hard to know if its the chemo drugs or if it's just the weather. Don't worry, I talked to my oncologist at our last visit and she said that they could write a prescription for me, if I thought I needed it, but you know me, I'm not taking anything more than I have to. As long as over-the-counter stuff works, I'm leaving things well enough alone! I'm prone to migraines depending on the barometric pressure, so again, who knows? I'm having migraines about every 2-3 days. Some last just a couple of hours, like today, but some last 4-6 hrs. Those days are a little bit harder to handle. Today it only took 3 Extra-strength Excedrin and 2 hrs. and it's gone finally. It also might be the combination of allergies, chemo, and my eyes. I've tried reading less and that does seem to help. Like I said at the beginning, though, I could just finally be becoming ,"whiny". I suppose it was bound to happen eventually.

I think I'm going to go lie down for a little bit. The headache this a.m. has made me a little tired today and maybe I just need to rest. I'll try and be a little less whiny on my next blog. Thanks for your understanding and patience. Love ya' all. What a great support system you've all been!! You truly know the meaning of friendship.
Cheryl

what a week!!

Wow!! If I have one more person ask me if I watched the election stuff Tuesday night, I swear I will scream! I DID stay up late but I was "vegging", (is this a real word?), with a movie. It's not that I wasn't interested in what was going on, I was. I spent the day in prayer for our country. I'm not going to say who I voted for, it doesn't matter, does it? Obama won! I'm more concerned about where we go from here. I'm concerned that we finally elected a black president for the first time and I'm very concerned about the racism that is rampant in this country. I worry that he will be assassinated before he gets sworn in. Many people are upset about the outcome of this election, and we shouldn't take that lightly!

God's word says to pray for our leaders and the responsibilities that are placed on them. I will be praying for Obama, just as I would have if McCain had been elected. We should always pray for our president whether we agree with him or not. That's biblical!!

I think I'm more concerned about the "heart" condition of our country than I am about who our president is. We're living in a country where babies are aborted everyday and where states are deciding if gay marriages should become legal or not. Am I the only one who sees how far away from God the U.S. has slid? We've slid so far away from God's standards of what He said is right or wrong and yet we still ask Him to "bless us!" Why should He? Why should He bless the people who choose to walk contrary to His ways?

If we want God to "bless" our country, then we need to repent! We need to turn around and go in the opposite direction than from where we're headed. We need to value each individual life as much as He does. We need to see marriage as the union of a man and a woman only, no other conditions are acceptable. I didn't make these "rules", He did a long time ago. If you remember, God never changes, WE do, but not Him! We also need to remember that He didn't make these "rules" to make our lives harder, but because He knew what was best for us. His ways are always going to be what's best for us, but we think our ways are best, after all, times are different now, so surely we know better than He does how to fix things. Are we kidding??

I truly believe we are living in the end times. I believe the rapture is closer than we think at times. That's okay with me, I'm ready to go home, but if I'm wrong, then what do we do with the time that we have left?

The only hope that the U.S. has, is if a revival takes place very soon. We need to get back to our "roots". We need to see what's important in our lives in light of what God said was important. We need to stop going after the "stuff" for our lives and start seeing the people that God has placed in our lives. They're what's important. They're what matters to God. With God, it's always been about those whom He's created, not about the stuff that man has created for himself. God loves His people! God loves you! Do you believe that? When we grasp how much He loves us, then He uses that love to reach out to those around us with the love that only He can gives us for them. It's not something that's inside of us, but it's something that God places inside us the moment we receive the Holy Spirit in our lives.

It's the Holy Spirit that makes the difference. We get tripped up when we stop listening to His voice. When our lives get sooo busy that we don't take the time to read His word, pray, or just sit before Him in silence, then the world's voice becomes the voice that we hear. Satan tells us lies and we in a very short time begin to question our beliefs and where we stand on very important issues in our lives. We begin to rationalize that maybe God sees things a little bit differently than what we've been taught and that possibly we've misinterpreted what He meant. Is Satan good, or what? It's so important to walk daily with Him so that we continually recognize His voice and we are able to discern whose voice we're living our lives by.

I believe the key word for our times is "discernment". It's the compass for our lives. It's what guides us when there are choices to make. The definition for discern is, "to separate, distinguish between". Wow! Isn't that just what I wrote about, our being able to distinguish between whose voice we're going to live our lives by?

Every year since I became a Christian, God has always given me a special word, or special part of my life that has been the focus for that particular year. Without a doubt after writing this blog today, I know that my special word for 2009 is discernment. That's a big challenge for me! It will mean digging even deeper into His word so that I will know without a doubt, what He has to say about the choices that will be placed before me in 2009. It would be so much easier to live my life just following what the world claims to be right, but my life was bought with a great price when I was 19 years old, so. . .thanks but no thanks, I'll take the "road less traveled".

So. . .what is God saying to you today? What "word" or area of your life would God like to change, but you just can't quite let go of yet? Do you believe that He's a big enough God to trust in? He never promises us an easy life, He just promises to walk with us through it. When life gets really hard, He carries us through it. I think that's why everyone that I know loves that poem, "Footprints in the Sand". What a loving reminder of His tender love for us. It's amazing to me that He can still love me when I mess up so many times. I know, you all think I'm perfect, but He knows better, hehe!

Well, it's another long blog. I thank you for your patience in taking time out of your busy lives to connect here with me. Take heart, once I finally start working full time again, I probably won't have as much time to blog, so I think that they'll definitely be shorter ones. You just wait and see. . .

and the race begins. . .

I saw my daughters today and they asked me why I don't blog more often? I thought they were kidding! I blog usually at least once a week, most people are doing well to blog 2 times in a month! They DID suggest though, that I let you know that I'm now officially job hunting. I received a letter from Medicaid that said that they were notified that my SSI disability was being reviewed and possibly suspended. I'm not really sure why that is. Nothing has changed on my end. I still have one more treatment next Friday and then the CT scan scheduled for Dec. 5th., but I can't go without any income coming in next month, so . . .I need to find a job.

I'm filling out an application to work with the Wake County Public school system. I've always enjoyed working with kids and I know that God has given me the gift of teaching them. I can teach in terms that can make it understandable for them. I'm applying for a teacher's aide position or substituting. We'll see what happens with that.

I applied at Walmart and Target today because I have the flexibility right now of working whatever hours they have available. I'm going tomorrow to apply at New York and Company,( I love their clothes and I know that their marketing is trying to catch the "older women", like myself.)

If you know of any jobs out there that you think might interest me, let me know. I'm not really a desk type person. I like doing hands on kind of work. I like moving around while working, well,
you get the picture.

I haven't sensed God moving me in any particular direction at this point. I figure I'll apply at places and allow God to close the doors of the ones that aren't part of His plan.

I'm not trying to get ahead of God, but I need to be proactive, not reactive. I'm thinking that since Dr. Soper told me that I could go back to cleaning homes, that I might need to go back and pick up a few homes until I find something that works for me in the job market.

Anyone out there have different ideas about how I should be going about this? I'm open to suggestions. One person emailed me today and asked me if I thought about writing curriculum for Lifeway. I emailed her back and told her that I didn't know what she meant. I'll let you know what she tells me.

Well . . .I have Christmas cantata practice tonight at 7 and I need to eat before I go so. . .that's all for now. . .
Love,
Cheryl
Oh. . .
What do you think of my new design?? I'm loving it!! Feel free to suggest music that I can add and by all means enjoy my selections while you''re visiting. Katie and Shannon helped me set it up today. Thanks girls!! As you can see girls, I'm not too computer illiterate. I WAS able to come home and add to my playlist. Love ya'

the yellow brick road. . .

If you read my last blog, you know that I'm a little concerned about looking/finding a job soon. I haven't had to look for a job since I moved here in 1993. I was talking to one of the UNC gals and she said something that will hopefully stick with me for the rest of my life. It was that good!

She told me that whenever she gets worried about something, that a little song goes off inside her head. It goes something like this. . . "if I only had a brain!" Now think about that one. . if I only had a brain then I could figure my way out of this! If I only had a brain. . .I'd know exactly what needs to be done. But. . .(and this is huge!) look what God's word has to say about our thoughts compared to His. Isa 55:8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways declares the Lord. His way of thinking if so unfathomable!! So. . . whose thoughts are better, His or mine? Pretty good, huh?

Then she told me to stop worrying about the future. Matt.6:34, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Then she told me about the yellow brick road. . . this is my favorite part! The goal for all of them in the Wizard of Oz was to get to the Emerald city to see the great "Oz". The only way that they could get there was by following the yellow brick road. one brick at a time. Our life is like that. Matthew tells us to live our lives one day at a time, ie: one yellow brick at a time.

So. . .God only requres me to take this journey one yellow brick at a time. . .one day at a time. I don't have to "fix" this and I don't have to "figure" out His plan for me. It's all in His hands and He will reveal what I need to know one step at a time. It's so much easier living life "one yellow brick" at a time. What yellow brick are you on today? What one thing has God placed in front of you today to accomplish? That's all that He requires of you for today. Tomorrow, He'll let you know that next step on your journey with Him.

Now. . .the only problem that I see with this blog, is that once you put that song. ". . .if I only had a brain" in there, you'll be humming it for the rest of the day, so I apologize ahead of time. Gotta go, my yellow brick is blogging you today and finishing up my Beth Moore bible study this a.m.

Hope you take the opportunity to vote today, if you haven't already. Our soldiers have died in other countries, so that people like us would have the freedom to vote for their leaders. Besides, Krispy Creme doughnuts, Starbucks coffee, Ben and Jerry's, and whole lot of other places are giving away free stuff if you show them your, "I voted" sticker. GO VOTE!!

chemo 101

I'm going to describe what my chemo treatments have been like. For some it will be boring, but others have asked me, so. . .just remember that everyone's chemo is different and since no two people are alike, the affects of chemo are different as well.

I used to have all the medical stuff done on one day, treatment day, but the day was waaay too long! Now I split it up. On the Wednesday before my treatment on Friday, I have my lab work done and visit with the oncologist. The lab work takes 2 minutes, ( they take 4 very small vials of blood), and then about 20 minutes later, I see the oncologist. The last lab work I had done, the nurse said, "That poor little vein"! I told her I only had one more treatment and that "by the way, I have another arm to use"! She laughed! The oncologist asks how the last treatment went, we discuss possibly medication changes, she listens to my heart and lungs, and that's it.

On Friday, my appointment is usually about 8:20, which my friend, Robin has faithfully taken me to each time,(I love her for her commitment)! It's usually 9 before they call me back. It's takes them 40 minutes from the time I enter the clinic to place the order at the pharmacy and get it back to the clinic. We wait in the waiting room and catch up on each other's lives. They weigh me everytime before the treatments. I've gained 10 lbs. already, but I guess that's better than losing 10 lbs. There are two rooms and depending on what nurse you have that day, (we were told they try to give you the same nurse each time, but I've only had the same nurse twice), and then they start the IV. I don't have a port, so mine is given in the back of my hand. It doesn't hurt that badly, it could be worse. It's a fairly small needle. In hindsight, I may have decided to go with the port, but since I was only having 6 treatments, the Dr. didn't think it would be necessary. Most people have a port. As it turns out, I don't have very good veins, but there are three nurses at the clinic who do a great job with the veins, so it's not been a problem. They DID blow a vein one time, and hopefully that doesn't happen again. If they blow the vein they have to flush it out, and that burns like crazy for about 3 minutes, which seems like an eternity when you're hurting. Once the IV is started I receive 250 mg. of something,(chemo brain! I can't remember what it's called), but it's to flush out my kidneys and hydrate my system. While that's taking place they give me all of my oral medications that are needed to work against the effects of the chemo drugs. I get 2 tylenol, 1 ativan,(my relaxer, kind of like a mild valium), 1 emend, it's a steroid drug, and 1 decadron, another steroid. The first chemo drug is added to my IV while the first fluid is running. It takes 3 hrs. About 2 hrs. into my chemo treatment, they give me 25 mg. of Benadryl, which is half of what other people take. See my past blogs for the explanation on this one. I usually have a hard time staying awake at this point, so I generally will take a nap for about 45 minutes -1 1/2 hr. Robin works on her computer during this time and usually will go grab lunch for us in the hospital cafeteria. When I wake up, I eat lunch with Robin, and then it's about time for the last chemo drug, which takes 45 minutes to an hour, depending on how fast they push it through the IV and they push another 100 mg. of fluid through the kidneys. It wasn't until the 4th treatment that they started doing all the chemo drugs with the first IV fluids. That's why it would literally take all day. We'd arrive at 8:20 and say "Hi" to everyone as we all climbed into our recliners, and then I'd say "goodbye" to everyone as they all left and I'd still be there. That one nurse made all the difference in how the treatments have gone since then. Now, everything gets piggybacked to each other. I love it!! I forgot to mention that they also provide small individual DVD players with a long list of movies to choose from with headphones for everyone so that you can be entertained while you're there. I brought movies from home the first 3 treatments, but since I can't stay awake, and Robin doesn't care, I no longer take anything to do. Besides, they push so many fluids through me while I'm there, that it takes me 4-5 visits to the restroom during the time we're there. Robin has to help me each time because for instance, the last time I had a treatment, the first time I tried to get up and walk to the bathroom, I literally started walking sideways and couldn't walk straight to save my life! Everyone thought that was pretty funny to see, but NOT!!

So. . . that's what treatments are like for me. Pretty boring, huh? The good part is, is that I only have one treatment left! GO ME!! On November 14, Friday,(yes they're always done on Friday, three weeks apart), I will officially have my last one!! On the day of your last one, the nurses will make a special hat for you to wear, throw pretty confetti at you and everyone will clap for your victory!! It's kind of silly, but it's also kind of special! I feel kind of different from most of the people there. Most of them know the nurses by name,(I don't), because they've been there for previous treatments. Most of them haven't had surgery yet and most of them are still facing radiation treatments as well. As for me, I've had my surgery and there is no radiation treatments for ovarian cancer. When I'm done with chemo, Lord willing, I'm done and my life moves on.

The Dr's. told me that they would schedule a CT scan middle to the end of Dec. but I got a letter from the Rex Hospital and I have my CT scan scheduled for Friday, Dec. 5th. I was a little worried about putting my head through the CT scanning machine, but the scan only covers the chest/abdomen/pelvis area. I can work with that!!

I need to ask you to pray, not that you haven't been doing that, but I have something that I need you to pray specifically about. I'm not worried about the CT scan. If the cancer has grown somewhere else, worrying won't change that. It's all in God's hands. It's been in His hands since the very beginning of this journey and I trust Him completely. I'm worried about what I'm supposed to be doing when all this is over. Even though Dr. Soper,(the gynecologist), said that I can go back to cleaning homes again, God made it very clear to me that He has a different chapter to start in my life, and that cleaning homes is a thing of the past. I know I shouldn't worry, but I do. What kind of job will I be doing that will generate enough income for me to live on? Will I need to work two jobs in order to survive? I probably worry more because everytime I turn around, I hear that someone has lost their job. I can't even begin to look for work until after the CT scan because, well you know. . .That means that I'll be trying to look for work around Christmas time,(the jobs will already be filled), or at the latest, January. How many people will be hiring in January? I don't even know what kind of work I should be looking for. I'm also concerned about my energy level. I haven't worked since May 29th. I'm not sure that I have the energy level to work 40 hrs. a week. It's been so long. . .do you hear the "fear" in my thoughts? If only I could sit back and trust, but Satan is having a field day with my thought life right now, any suggestions? I know that God is in control and He has provided for me over and over and over again, I know this, but still I worry. Forgive me Lord for my lack of faith. If I could only catch a glimpse of what God had in store for me, but as most of you know from your own walk with Him, sometimes we just have to wait and trust.

I DID read a devotion today that I know without a doubt that God lead me to. It said, "Sometimes we have to give up the past so we can fully enjoy the present and the future. So. . .
pick up the foot that is keeping you from moving forward and place it in front of your other foot, keep going. . .be amazed by God's plan for your life." That reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11. for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you..
That's the God I serve, the God who has plans for me to prosper me, not to harm me. Maybe I should try putting those "thoughts" into my head, instead of listening to the "wrong voice", you know what I mean??

Well. . .that's the blog for today. Pretty boring, but now you all know what the past several months have been like. I've blogged about the side effects I have from the chemo drugs. I've been so blessed and protected. The only complaints that I could possibly have, have been the neuropathy in the bottom of my feet and the muscles cramps in the back of my calves that only last for a couple of days. I can't even really complain about those, because over the counter Ibuprofen has taken care of the pain for the most part. You're prayers have carried me through so much and I definitely feel your love surrounding me!

I DID learn two very interesting facts about my self throughout this though,. #1, I have an extra small head size, who knew? I couldn't find a hat to fit my "extra small head", so my friend, Nancy,(love her to pieces, also,), made me two hats. One for bed, and one very pretty lilac colored one to wear out. They fit perfectly!!. #2, I have thick skin, who knew? The last time I had my treatment, when the nurse went to start the IV, my eyes started tearing up and my nose started dripping. I asked for a Kleenex and she felt terrible. She thought she was hurting me, but it honestly didn't hurt that much, not anymore than it usually does, but my eyes and nose said otherwise. She told me that it was hard to put the needle in because," I had thick skin". Who knew?? You learn all kinds of things about yourself when you have those treatments.

I have one more request. . . and this one is for my daughters, Katie and Shannon and for the UNC gals that have been there for me. On November 14th, the day of my last treatment, I'd love for all of us gals to go out for dinner together and celebrate! Could you put me on your calendar? I know it would mean pulling you away from your families that night, but it would mean so much!! I can't think of anyone else I'd rather celebrate with! Please RSVP as soon as possible. It doesn't matter where we eat, just so that we could have a meal together for one last time like we did on our "picture day". That was such a great day!! I see that picture in my livingroom everyday and I will treasure it always. I love you gals to pieces!!

More another time, thanks for your patience in this reading this long blog, but you all know how much I love to talk, so no surprise that I write as much as I love to talk. Sorry. . . .
Love, Cheryl

only in my life. . .

I'm feeling the chemo effects today with the aches and muscle cramps in my feet and legs today, but it could be so much worse. The ibuproben is helping. I wanted to blog today while it's fresh in my brain.

This weekend I took part in the program of angelfood ministries. I've blogged earlier about this wonderful opportunity to get food for $30. It's enough food to last me about a month. The only problem was that when I went to pick up my food on Saturday, from 9:30-10:30a.m., the truck had broken down and they asked everyone to come back at 4 instead, no problem. . . I went back at 4 and the truck still was not there. At 5:45 the truck finally arrived but it still needed to be unloaded and each of the stations had to be set up and all the food had to be counted before it's distributed. The staff working that day should all get medals! They made sure that everyone had a seat to sit on, fresh water to drink, books and magazines to look at. They really tried to make it as good of an experience as possible. Nobody likes to wait almost 2 hours to get their food. Once they opened the doors, the line moved very quickly. Now. . .here's where only I could do this.

I went through the line as they slid my box along, filling it up with each of the items. I carried the box out to my car and wondered where my potatoes and onions were. I didn't have any of the produce. I walked back inside, talked to someone, they told me to go to the produce station and pick up my box, so I did and went home and put everything away. In the produce box there was a 2# bag on onions and a large bag of fresh lemons as well as a whole lot of other things. I knew that I couldn't possibly eat all the onions and lemons so I asked my friends whom I was having dinner with Saturday night if they'd like to have them. They were more than happy to help me out!

Last night I was at church talking to a friend and she was talking about how they were missing one produce box. Yep, you guessed it! I took her box. I hadn't ordered the produce box, but my chemo brain thought I had!! I was so embarrassed! Fortunately I know the person whom I have stolen from and we're connecting probably tomorrow night to give her food back to her. Then I also had to call my friends and ask them if they'd used any of the lemons or onions yet, (they hadn't!), and so now after dinner tonight, I'm going to their house and get them. Only I could do something like this!! It's so embarrassing!

But. . .inspite of myself, God has such a great sense of humor in my life. This a.m. I received a phone call from a lady from the Maranatha S.S. class and guess what she wanted to ask me? Yep, they wanted to purchase the Nov. angelfood box for me. Angelfood ministries is also offering a Thanksgiving box,(a complete Thanksgiving meal for 4). I told her I was having Thanksgiving dinner with Katie and Shannon and I'd be lucky if they let me bring the dessert. Katie loves to cook and since I couldn't be with them last Thanksgiving,(I was in Indiana with my Dad and my family), she's already requested my presence this year, and I've accepted. I DID tell the lady who called though that I wouldn't mind if they wanted to purchase the extra produce box. She said that sounded great and that they'd get the receipt that I needed to be able to pick up my box on Nov. 22, some time next week. Is that funny or what?So in Nov. I'll get a 2# bag of onions that I won't be able to use all by myself, so my friends will still get their onions and it won't cost me anything. If you know anybody who likes Ruby Red Florida grapefruit, I'm getting 2 of them that I won't be eating either. This is definitely a "God thing!"

Well, the shower if calling me to help with my aching muscles today. Gotta run. . . I'll try and blog about my last chemo treatment. Robin said I wasn't giving as many details to you guys as I used to so I'll fill you in another time.
Love, Cheryl

Pain and Hate. . .two very strong emotions.

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of going on a women's retreat to Caswell beach. It lasted from Friday night-Sunday after lunch. There were 24 of us and our sessions were from the Beth Moore study on "Loving Well". It was a great study. It talked about how we can love the four different kinds of people we encounter in our lives.

There's the people who bring us joy,(they're easy to love), the "testies"(they cause us to grit our teeth everytime we see them, but we act like things are ok), the "foes"(we hate them with a passion), and the "far", (they're people we don't know at all who God has cross our paths, ie; homeless, strangers who need help when they break down on the street, etc.

Our biggest discussions centered on our"foes". Not to brag in any way, but I can honestly say that I don't have any foes. Oh believe me, I've had foes in my past.

When I was growing up, my Mom was my foe. She hated me and I hated her. She wished me off the face of the earth and I wished her off the face of the earth. My Grandpa Miller died when I was 7 yrs. old and my grandparents lived right next door to us. My Grandma Miller's kids decided that Grandma shouldn't stay alone that first night, so I went over and climbed in her bed and slept with her. Then I stayed the next night, and the next night, well, you get the idea. At the end of the week, everyone decided that my Grandma and I needed to live together. We lived together off and on until I was 19. My Grandma became my mother in every essence of the word. I loved her and she loved me. We did everything together. We grew all of our own fruits, vegetables and meat. She did washings and ironings for families and by the age of 10, I was responsible for keeping the house clean, and taking care of all the animals outside. We raised chickens every year for the eggs and meat, rabbits, and ducks,( we used the duck eggs for noodles). I don't remember eating the ducks. I don't think we did. We had cats aplenty to keep the mouse population down, and we had 2 small inside/outside dogs. I even raised a baby sow one year but that's a whole another story. Needless to say, like most farmers, we worked hard, but I loved being with her and I loved helping her. It was a good life.

When I was 19 yrs. old I surrendered my whole life over to God. I told Him I belonged to Him for the rest of my life. I'd go anywhere, do anything, I'd even eat bugs in Africa if that was His plan. I stopped by the church on a weekend. Back then you didn't have to lock the church doors, they were always open for a stranger to come into the sanctuary and spend time with our Lord. I was sitting in the pew near the front and I heard someone walk in from the side door. He was wearing shorts and sneakers and you could tell he had been running. It turned out he was the youth minister of the church. He saw me come in since he lived in the parsonage right next door, and he sat in the pew ahead of me. He didn't say anything at first, he just let me cry. He offered me a Kleenex, and then we talked. I told him that the family had just decided to place my Grandma in a nursing home and for the first time in 12 years, my parents had asked me to move back home with them. I told him that I hated my mom and that she hated me.

He then opened his Bible to some scripture and started writing down passages for me to read. All of them had the word "brother" in them. He told me to take these verses and put the word, "mother" instead of brother in there and see what I found out. He'd come back the same time the following Saturday and see if I still needed to talk. I went home and poured over my Bible like never before. The next Saturday, I went to the church. He was waiting there for me on the same pew. This time he said, "I want you to walk in your mother's shoes for a little while. I want you to go and talk to her siblings and friends and find out what it was like for your mother when she was growing up. I DID go and talk to my Aunts and Uncles. I asked them why my mother hated me so much. They all had different reasons, but they all agreed that she hated me. At first, I didn't see how these visits were helping me understand my Mom at all and then the more I prayed to God about it, the more the pieces fell into place.

I went back to the church again that following Saturday, and there he was again. We talked about my Mom and then the flood gates of tears just began pouring out, I couldn't have stopped them even if I wanted to. I went home that very afternoon and found my Mom in the bathroom putting on her make-up and asked if we could talk. She said she didn't really have the time, but I asked her to please make the time, it was important to me. I told her I was sorry for everything that had happened to her and for the life that she had had to live. I understood now why she hated me. I got all the love and attention from her Mom that she wanted and needed so badly when she was growing up, but that she never received. She had 8 other siblings to compete against, and I had none. so I got all the attention and loving. I told her that if I could give her my life and all that it held, I would. I would trade my life for her so that she could finally know the love of her Mother. I was so sorry for the pain that I must have caused her when I was growing up, even though it was never intentional, it still hurt her. She turned away from the mirror with tears in her eyes and walked over and gave me a hug. My Mom had never hugged me my whole life. After several Kleenex's later, we sat down and I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to put the past in the past. That neither one of us could throw the past up into each others faces, and that from here on out, we had a clean slate between us.

The funny part is, I really began to love my Mom and when I was able to give her two beautiful granddaughters 7 and 9 1/2 years later, she was able to love and enjoy them and my girls never knew what it was like for me growing up. (well, until they read this blog). They know a little bit, but not the whole picture. I never saw the reason to share this with them since their Grandma Nusbaum was great with them, and we were ok in our relationship by then. They loved her and we went and visited both sets of grandparents every other weekend so that the girls would know their grandparents. It was 1 1/2 hrs. to Alan's parents, and 45 minutes to my parents house. We visited Alan's parents Friday nights, ate lunch with them on Saturday and then went out to my parents house for dinner and had fun playing with my side of the family until late Saturday night. We didn't usually get home until after 11p.m., but we had so much fun!! I miss those weekends.

Today, I can honestly say that I don't have any foes in my life. I learned from hating my Mom as much as I did when I was growing up, that I never wanted to hate anyone again. I didn't even hate Alan and Jamie when they destroyed so many people's lives. I hated what they did and I hated seeing all the consequences of the choices that they made, but I never hated them. I didn't like them for a time, but I didn't hate them. I don't like carrying around that gnawing pit in your stomach that you get when you truly hate someone. Life is too short for that, and besides hating another person doesn't hurt them, it hurts you, and only you. They could care less. God never wants us to hate anyone, that's Satan's trick. So who do you surrender your pain and hate to, Satan or God. I chose God years ago and it's the best decision I ever made. So go hug someone today and make my day. Let's stop all the hating and let the Lord win this one.

JOY. . .

I had an appt. with Dr. Soper on Friday. He's my gynecologist that did all the surgery and asked me everyday "if we were dancing that day?" He meant, "how was I feeling?". If it was a good day, then we were dancing, if not, then he'd say, "that 's ok, we're side-stepping today, because in dancing you never step backward, you just side-step, and tomorrow we'll be dancing again." Don't you just love that!! I never felt discouraged when he said that even if the medications I was taking were giving me bad side-effects, I knew tomorrow, "I'd be dancing!!".

My visit with him went very well. He still is not going to do a CAT scan until a month after I finish chemo. He said that he's 99% sure he got all of the cancer that was there, and that the chemo is only "precautionary". I'll have appointments after the CAT scan every 3 months alternating between him and my oncologist, Dr. Specca. and have a CAT scan once a year and if after two years nothing shows up. we'll reevaluate where we go from there. but that I'm "his" for the rest of my life. Good thing I like him!

My weekend was nice, not too busy. Most of you I've heard from and have been able to catch up on what's been going on in your lives, but some of you have fallen off the face of the earth, so it seems, no names being mentioned.

When I talked to Dr. Soper on Friday, I was surprised when he told me that after the first of the year I could go back to my regular job. We talked about the fact that I don't have a spleen anymore, but he said I was so strong and healthy overall that he didn't see that as being a problem. Don't worry friends, I have no intention on going back to cleaning homes again full time. I need a job with benefits, but it did open the door for me to go back and help some of my elderly clients on my days off. I miss them, and it always made me feel good knowing that I could help them do something that they were no longer able to do for themselves.

Change of subject. . .yesterday in church our theme was, "joy". We were supposed to write down the names of 3 people who bring/brought you joy and then write down three instances that have happened in your life that bring/brought you joy. I realized after looking over my list that 2 out of the 3 people who have brought me joy in my life, God has taken home already. The three instances I chose were, my wedding day, the births of the girls, and the day I found Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. Then we were asked to name three people that WE brought joy into their lives. That one's a little bit harder. I named my family, my brothers and sisters in Christ at New Hope Baptist Church, and my 5 best friends who are still carrying me through this journey from since the first day at UNC to today.

If you were asked to compile of list, who or what would be on it?? Think about it. . .Who matters the most, what matters the most? Obviously the point of the sermon was that our true "joy" comes through our relationship with Jesus Christ, but if you think about it, God loves you so much that He brings people and instances into your life that bring you "joy". People and times that make/made you feel so happy inside that there weren't or aren't words that could describe the joy that bubbled up inside of you.

God makes all of that possible because He loves you that much!! He's so involved in just the little things going on in our lives. I would think that He's so busy just managing the world and all it's troubles, but the truth is, is that He still has the time to give me little "joy" moments. He still works in our individual lives inspite of everything going on around us. I still matter to Him on an indivual basis. He's never too busy, or too upset or disappointed in me, to not be there. He's always there loving me inspite of myself, and He's still working out the small little details of my life. He directs each of my footsteps, even though I may wander off His chosen path at times, He just waits for me to get back instep with Him and then we walk side by side again, until my journey ends here on earth and He finally calls me home to spend eternity with Him. I guess you could say that our "walk" with Him never truly ends, the location just changes, but can you think of anyone else that you'd rather walk with, I can't!

4th one's different. . .

Wow!! The 4th chemo treatment really kicked my butt this time!! Of course it could have been because I had way too much on my platter the day before and the weekend of my treatment. It just really couldn't be helped this time.

Robin called me and had asked if I wanted to come and help with her daughter, Ari's birthday party on Thursday afternoon from 3:30-5:30. She had helped me with both of my girls parties when they were younger and I really wanted to be there so. . .I tried to get as much stuff done in preparation for my treatment on Friday as I could, before I left for Robin's, but. . .

I loved being at the party, helping out, etc. She had invited 23 girls and they were pretty good for that number of girls in one place. We played games, made a craft, ate cake and snacks, it was fun! I had to leave at 5:45 because I was meeting another friend, Nancy for dinner at Taco Bell at 6:15. Impromptu(the contemporary music team that I sing with), was having practice from 7-9. We had just enough time to grab a quick bite and then off to practice. We practiced until 9:30 then I had gotten a phone call from Shelly(a G.A. leader), asking if I could possibly bake some cookies for the sleepover Friday night. What could I say?? I hadn't hardly helped with the sleepover at all, so . . . I ran by the store, went home baked two pans of brownies(needed for Operation Sharing Hope, I'll explain later), baked 3 dozen cookies, finished the laundry, fixed the furniture for the following week, browned hamburger to use for spaghetti and tacos later in the week, and fell into bed at 1 a.m.

Robin and I got our wires crossed somewhere and so I ended up driving myself to Rex Cancer Treatment Center and then driving home afterwards, which by the way is a no-no. She stayed with me all day during treatment, but she needed to take her kids to school and pick them up afterwards. My treatment went fine and I even had a nurse who was so good, she "piggy-backed" the chemo drugs with the IV fluids and I got out of there in record time. That's good and bad. Good that I'd have time to rest at home before doing everything else, but bad because I didn't have enough hours there at the center for the drugs to wear off a little bit. Robin didn't think I should drive home, but I felt fine. I WAS fine, but apparently a little drugged. I got home, took a nap for 1 1/2 hours and then got busy. I know, you should always rest the day of your treatment but it just wasn't to be this time.

You see twice a year our little girls from Wed, night have a sleepover that carries over into Saturday a.m. for a church wide project that day. This time we had the sleepover and the Operation Sharing Hope on Saturday. We had 14 girls spend the night and two moms and two leaders. One team on Saturday was going to deliver baked goods to our policemen and firemen so we needed to bake lots of goodies. We baked cookies,(that's why I baked cookies the night before. You can't bake hot chocolate chip cookies and then tell the girls that they can't eat any of them, so I baked cookies for them to eat while we were baking the other ones). We made bags of popcorn, rice krispie treats, chex mix, and the brownies I had made the night before. The girls had a ball! We watched a movie until 1a.m. like we usually do and then it was lights out. All the girls went to sleep but one little girl had a bad cough and was talking in her sleep and coughing so one of the moms and asked me to get up and check on her. She was sound asleep and I just rolled her over, the problem was that the steroids I take with my treatment cause you not to be able to sleep, so I was awake from 4-5:30 and had to get up at 6:30. Not good!!

Our job with the girls was to visit the shut-ins so I took an adult and three little girls and visited the shut-ins in Wake Forest and then came back to Raleigh and visited two home bound members. It was nice!! The older people love seeing the little ones!

I got home about 1:30 and crashed on the sleeper sofa. The steroids were still keeping me awake, so I only slept an hour and then I was wide awake. I watched the Notre Dame game and then fixed some meals for this week in case I was too tired.

I went to bed at 10:30 but woke up at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep until 5:30 and had to be up by 6:45 at the latest because I had to be ready to sing in front of a microphone at 7:30. While I was awake at 5, I took a shower, ate breakfast, vacuumed the living room, ironed, (you see where I'm going, right?). The steroids make you so hyper that it's hard for you to slow down and sleep. That's why they prescribe Ativan. Now. . .if only I could remember to take it at night. . . by time Sunday a.m. at church had finished, I was exhausted!! I came home and crashed, still couldn't sleep, went back out to Bible Study at 5:30 and then came home and was in bed at 9.

One thing that I did do right this time was to drink lots of water. The doctor thinks that that's why I was so dizzy the last time. I didn't flush my kidneys out after the chemo like I was supposed to. She's probably right. I DID drink lots of fluids but not enough water. This time I made sure I drank the water and I wasn't dizzy at all.

I survived the weekend barely, ( I knew it was going to be busy but I didn't see a way around it). I wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe if I'd taken the Ativan when I got home Saturday night, Sunday would have been a little easier to cope with.

Monday my body ached all over. I took a friend with me out to run a few errands but after the first one, I gave up. I didn't have the stamina to keep going. I crashed on the couch the rest of the day.

Tuesday, I tried the errands again, and got them done. I even made it out to dinner with my S.S. class that evening, but boy, was I exhausted!! I stopped taking the Ibuprofen on Monday and found that I could stand in the shower or soak in the tub to relieve my aching muscles. So I "pruned" myself most of the day.

Wed, (yesterday), wasn't too bad. I stayed home and "veggied" most of the day. I DID help with tutoring, ate dinner at church, worked with G.A.'s, and even squeezed in choir last night, but again, I was exhausted by time I got home. I went right to bed. Today I'm achy but feel pretty good. I'm staying in today and relaxing. I have Impromptu practice tonight, but that's all for the day. I was able to put everything away yesterday, washed up the extra bedding from the sleeper sofa, read, caught up on things I had recorded, and got a couple of naps in. Today, I'm not planning on doing anything. Just chilling. . .

In spite of the fact that I way over did this time, I love the fact that I had little side effects from the chemo. The effects of chemo are accumulative so each treatment should have more side effects and yet, this time wasn't so bad. I was just tired from lack of sleep. Oh yes, and by the way, I have remembered to take the Ativan every night since Sunday night, so I'm catching up on all the sleep I've lost.

I still haven't lost anymore hair, I still have the little wisps hanging on. I guess they're planning on sticking around. Tomorrow a.m. I have another appt. with Dr. Soper my OB/GYN who did all the surgery and got me back on my feet again. It's just a visit so he can check and see how I'm doing with the chemo. He'll be pleased. I've gained(yes gained), 10lbs. The steroids cause you to eat everything in sight, and since food still taste like it's supposed to, bring it on!! I'm always hungry and carbs are loaded with protein, so it's what I'm supposed to be eating right now, if we could only cut out some of the calories with those carbs. Oh well. . .I'm not worried about my weight right now. I'll take some weight off after we get to the finish line. Right now, it's probably a good idea to have the extra than to be too thin. I've lost so much weight throughout all of this, that I can wear clothes that I hadn't been able to wear for the past 3 years. I feel great overall and I just need to be patient as I wait to get my stamina back. That 's probably the hardest thing that I struggle with. I've always had lots of energy and been able to do whatever I want to, but this is different. Sometimes the energy level just isn't there.

When I stop and think about the weekend, it's amazing that I feel as good as I do. Yes, my muscles ache, but I DIDN'T get nauseous, no dizziness, no having to cancel plans, God carried me through!! I have two more treatments to go and I have no plans after those treatments like I did this time, it's just what was. People are still amazed at all that I'm able to keep doing, and to be honest, I'm amazed sometimes too! I have some days after treatment when I just need to lay around and rest. If I rest, life is easier, if I don't(like this time), then I ache longer and it takes a little bit longer to recoup. I'm learning. . .

How. . .

I spent three hours outside at a park today just trying to catch my breath. Sometimes I feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe some days, the stress is that strong. Other days I can put everything aside and coast, but each treatment gets harder to coast through. 6 months is along time to sit on your hands and do nothing. Talk about not having control.

I'm spending time with Shannon tonight. It'll be nice to be doing something different. We're going to a Hurricane's game. Go Canes!! We had lunch together yesterday and she asked me if I want to go with her to Pittsburg to see them play the week of my fifth treatment. I told her we could go visit her grandma in Horseheads, NY, also. It will depend on the night they play as to whether or not it will work. I have to be here on that Friday, so if they play Thurs. night, that won't work.

Thanks everyone for your continual prayers and words of encouragement. It's literally what gets me through most days. I'm not depressed, just tired of the waiting. Patience is not one of my gifts. (see previous blog). Sometimes I feel guilty for being so frustrated. God has blessed me so much in this illness, why can't I just wait in Him? Doesn't He have the right to put me in "time-out" for 6 months or more if He so chooses, of course He does, so why can't I just accept that? Why can't I just let go and let God be God? It would make my life so much easier.

I don't question why me, I question how long. How long before He moves me to something new? What's waiting for me around the corner? Am I ready for whatever He has for me? I learned a long time ago that it's not the end that's important to Him, but it's the journey along the way, and I feel like I'm failing miserably in that respect. Other people see me and they think that I'm so strong, but God who knows and sees the real me, knows that I'm not. I struggle like everyone else. I'm in a battle with what, I'm not sure of, but I know that I'm getting wounded along the way. I know that I"ll be standing when the battle is finally over because this battle belongs to the Lord and I belong to Him. I'm just getting tired. . . there's really not too much more to say. I'd pull the covers up over my head, but that won't change things. I can't run from any of this, nor do I want, but. . .you get the picture.

This has been a hard week. We had an incident at tutoring last week that should never had happened and it still hasn't been dealt with. The leader, Jerry, is on vacation this week, so it won't be taken care of until next week. Then, earlier this week my neighbor, Steve, found his old roommate dead in the guys bedroom. He had been dead for at least a week. How does someone die and nobody know about it until a whole week later? Didn't he have any friends? He was addicted to alcohol his whole life, and so he never lead a normal life, he was always drunk. Steve got out of that lifestyle years ago and he tried so hard to witness to him. over and over again. I know Steve's heart is breaking this week. Please pray for Steve. He's scheduled to leave this Friday to go and help the NC Baptist men in Texas with disaster relief. He's not sure if he should still go, or be here in case he's needed by the guys family. He's known them for almost 20 years now. Steve has such compassion for others. It's one of his many gifts from God.

Continue to remember so many people who are affected by the hurricanes this season. So many have nothing left. It will take a long time to rebuild in those hard hit areas. I think of the people in Haiti who already have nothing and then to be hit by a hurricane, how do they go on? I think "How" was an appropriate title for this blog, don't you?

Patience. . .

Don't ever pray for patience! You won't like how God teaches you patience. I've had to learn patience so much these past few months. I've been blessed beyond measure with friends, the church, family, etc., but when you have to depend on someone else for your finances, watch out! The church has agreed to pay for my bills until I can go back to work. There's so much of me that just wants to scream, forget how you feel taking the chemo, and just go back to work!! Life was a lot easier. I was never late paying my bills. I consolidated all of my credit cards last August and would have all my debt finished in 3 years, now my credit is ridiculous!!

Last month the church forgot to pay(or misplaced) my Progress Energy bill that I had taken in so the executive secretary at church called Progress Energy, explained the situation and pledged the past due amount. This month they're threatening to turn off my power because they didn't receive payment last month. I went to the church and talked to the associate Pastor, she looked into it and it turns out that although the pledge was made the person responsible forgot to put a request in for the check to be processed so it didn't get paid. They called Progress Energy again, made another pledge and then I stayed and watched them write the request slip out for the treasurer. Yesterday, I got a response back from Clearpoint Financial Solutions(my debt repayment program), and I got the check back for the bills for the month of Oct. because the church treasurer sent a church check even though for the past 3 months they've had to send a money order because that's the only form of payment Clearpoint can accept. Hopefully, the church can get the money order sent out before the end of Sept.

Capital One credit card company is just as bad. I pay them myself and every month I have to call them and ask them why they keep charging me $29 late fee when even though I have an outstanding balance that I can't pay until I go back to work in Dec/Jan, and they tell me every time that they're not going to charge me and that they'll refund the money, they still get it wrong every month. I'm so tired of the financial hassles. I have a credit card with Washington Mutual, and they have to be the worst. They call at least every other day from their collection dept. and no matter how many times I tell them the same things and they say they won't call anymore, they still call and threaten. It's gotten so bad now that when they call, they listen to what I have to say, then they start screaming that I have to pay them the past due amount, and then THEY hang up on me!! I don't have to hang up on them. The other day a woman called, said she understood my situation(that's good because I could hardly understand her English), she would need to put information into the computer so they would stop calling, and then asked me the same questions they ask everyday. I'm afraid I wasn't as "patient" that day and so once I told her the name of Clearpoint Financial Solutions and the name of my agent, she then asked for their phone number. I told her I didn't have the file in front of me and I was pretty sure she could go on line and look it up or call information. She told me I had to give her their number, I repeated myself, she started screaming, I told her I was finished with the conversation, and that I was now going to hang up! See. . .I told you I was not patient that day!

My finances are basically in a mess which is funny because people in the church have contributed over $5000 into my account to pay for my bills and every week more money gets put in. It's not that the money isn't there, the church just keeps messing up the payment method. Needless to say, this is totally out of my control. Do you see why I'm so frustrated?? If I just went back to work, had money coming in, paid my own bills, things would settle down.

In my last blog I mentioned how Shannon had asked if I like to work just 20 hours a week shelving books. I would love that!! I just never know how I'm going to feel the week after chemo on Friday and so I haven't committed to anything during that first week, because I don't want to not be able to fulfill my commitment to someone. It's so hard on the two weeks that I feel normal to not go out and find a job. I feel like there's so much more that I could be doing than just waiting around for life to settle down to normal again. The effects of chemo are accumulative so I won't know how bad I'm going to feel each time that first week, until I get through the last one. I am doing volunteer work here and there, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.

My whole life is in this holding pattern. I stress trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing when all of this is over. I know that God has a plan for me, but what is it?? I'm definitely failing in the "patience" dept. I have no clue what lies ahead or what I'm leaning toward.

Please pray that I will be PATIENT inspite of my circumstances. I know that others are struggling with other issues just as much as I'm struggling with all of this. Life is rough. There's always going to be something going on that we can't control. The fact of the matter is, God is so much bigger than all of this, and this is so small in comparison to everything else in life. Think about all the people that have been affected by all the hurricanes recently. They have lost everything. I took my friend, Jon, to the airport yesterday so that he could fly out to Texas for 10 days and feed the people there who finances don't mean anything to them right now. They just want somewhere to lay their tired heads and just be able to enjoy a hot cooked meal. I remember when hurricane Fran came through and the girls and I went 10 days without power. I worked with Disaster Relief for almost 3 weeks. There was nothing else I could do about my situation, but I could at least help others find their homes again amongst all the fallen trees. It was long days, but they were days that I wouldn't trade for anything. It felt so good to be able to help others less fortunate and throughout all that time, God provided meals, hot showers, and childcare for the girls and I. We never wanted for anything those whole 3 weeks. That's why I serve the God that I serve. He is so wonderful!! He's always there, even when you don't sense His presence, He's still there. He prepares the way even before you know that you have a need. Who else can do that? Trust in Him, He's the only thing to hold onto when you're struggling with "patience". I'll just try a little harder this week with the "patience" thing.

The days are passing by in a blur. I had my 3rd treatment last Friday. It's hard to believe I'm halfway finished already! I've talked to Shannon about maybe working 20 hours a week with Barnes and Noble shelving books from 7-11a.m. It would give me something to do and I love being physical, but as you read farther along in this blog, I don't think I'm going to be able to commit to a job quite yet. (NUTS!)

My treatment last Friday took forever. It started about 8:40 and I don't think we left there until 3:30. Everything we did seemed to take forever. I had lab work, met with the oncologist, and then started chemo. My IV's only take 4 hours total so you can see how slowly everything went that day. After I got home so late, my neighbors had invited me over for dinner,(steaks on the grill, baked potatoes, etc,), so I joined them for dinner and end up visiting with them until 9p.m. It felt good to just sit around on their screened in porch and visit for awhile.

On Saturday a.m. I got an email that one of the women in my S.S. class, step-father had died. He was diagnosed with lung cancer about the same time as my Dad, so it was a blessing that he had finally gone to be with the Lord. He was suffering terribly. We were preparing meals for the family for the weekend so I made my chicken/broccoli/rice casserole and dropped it off at the church at 12:30. I came home made some taco meat sauce, packed up my bag and went to watch the Notre Dame game with my friend, Robin,(yes, the same Robin who spends the day with me during chemo). We've been Notre Dame fans for years but it's been ages since we've watched the game together. We're also big Indy 500 fans. We used to get together to watch the race but we haven't done that in a long time either. Now I spend the Indy 500 day with my friends, Traci and Jon. Every year in the end of June we head to Williamsburg, Va to spend the weekend with Traci's Dad, so we can attend the Richmond Indy 400 race on Saturday. I look forward to it each year. This year I wasn't able to attend. I'd only been home from the hospital for two weeks and there was no way I could travel that far, and not to mention our seats are on the top row. But next year, I'm there. Traci's Dad has sent me several cards and has even helped me out financially a couple of times. I just love her Dad!! He fixes up the guest bedroom for me and he told me when I talked to him last that he had installed a light over the head of the bed because he knows how much I like to read before I fall asleep. Is that thoughtful or what??

On Sunday it was a typical busy day at church. I was a little more tired than usual afterwards, so instead of Nelson and I going out to lunch, I invited him back to my house and reheated some leftovers, and made cheeseburgers on the grill. It worked! We watched a movie together and then I laid down and took a nap before heading back out to church for a summer missions report at 5 from the group who went to Belize this year.

I had arranged for a movie night with some friends afterwards. I've been wanting to see "Get Smart", but I was in the hospital when it was playing so I never got to see it. It's now playing at Blueridge Carmike 14($1.50 theatre), so I left the church a little early to get to the theatre in time to meet everyone and discovered that I'd left my purse hanging on the back of the chair at church. I could have borrowed money to see the movie, but the problem was I needed to get back to the church before they locked it up, so. . .I missed the movie, but I DID get back in time to get my purse. At that point, I figured God was trying to tell me to just go home and get some rest, so I did.

On Monday I had volunteered to deliver flowers to the shut-ins from the service on Sunday. I had 5 people to visit in Wake Forest. I love doing things like that!! I only got to talk to 2 of them, the others were out, or sleeping, but hopefully I'll get to do it again soon. I grabbed lunch at McDonald's because I knew if I waited until I got home to eat, I'd be nauseous,(I'm sort of figuring out how these chemo reactions occur), took a 2 hr. power nap and then off for after school tutoring until 5.

I went to bed feeling fine, but Tuesday a.m. was not good. I woke up so dizzy. I was able to get up and feed the cats breakfast, but immediately laid down on the sleeper sofa. I was extremely dizzy all day. I couldn't open my eyes at all or the room would just spin. I called Steve, my neighbor and asked him if he'd come over and warm up some spaghetti for lunch for me, he did and then at dinner time his wife, Allison came over and made me some chicken and rice. At 8p.m. I'd had enough so I called it a day. I didn't know if I was suffering from the chemo or if I'd picked up a virus. I had visited with my friend, Sherry G. on the Wed. before and she called me during tutoring on Monday to see how I was doing. Apparently about an hour after I left, she came down with the flu. She was so afraid I would get sick. So the dizziness could have been the flu or chemo, who knew? I decided to wait and call Rex Cancer Center on Wed. a.m. if I was still dizzy. I woked up Tues. night about 11:30,(I'm surprised that I could sleep at all. I literally slept almost all day Tuesday), and I wasn't dizzy anymore. I felt tired, but fine. I laid in bed a little while longer and then at 2 a.m. my tummy was growling so loudly that it woke me up. I got up fixed dinner and watched TV until 3:30 and then went back to bed until 6a.m. I felt like I'd had the flu for a couple of days on Wed. but I was able to go to dinner at church, teach G.A.'s, and go to choir practice that evening. On Thur. I felt like my old self until about 3 p.m. and then all of a sudden I was exhausted. I laid on the couch until 6:30, then went to Impromptu practice until 9. I must have caught my third wind by time I got home, because I couldn't fall asleep until 1a.m. but that's ok. Now today, I'm playing catch up. The phone keeps ringing off the wall, so I'm not even dressed yet and it's already 10:30, but I'm not going anywhere and I have all day to get everything done. I needed to get this blog done so you could all see how things are going.
Everybody is always asking me how I'm doing and when I'm going to blog next. It would probably be easier to blog twice and week, but there never seems to be enough time to get everything done. I don't know how I did everything when I was working! The days are gone before I know it.

I apologize for the length of the blog this time. It wasn't even interesting, but that's what's been going on. Maybe I'll have more interesting stuff next time, but don't count on it.