How. . .

I spent three hours outside at a park today just trying to catch my breath. Sometimes I feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe some days, the stress is that strong. Other days I can put everything aside and coast, but each treatment gets harder to coast through. 6 months is along time to sit on your hands and do nothing. Talk about not having control.

I'm spending time with Shannon tonight. It'll be nice to be doing something different. We're going to a Hurricane's game. Go Canes!! We had lunch together yesterday and she asked me if I want to go with her to Pittsburg to see them play the week of my fifth treatment. I told her we could go visit her grandma in Horseheads, NY, also. It will depend on the night they play as to whether or not it will work. I have to be here on that Friday, so if they play Thurs. night, that won't work.

Thanks everyone for your continual prayers and words of encouragement. It's literally what gets me through most days. I'm not depressed, just tired of the waiting. Patience is not one of my gifts. (see previous blog). Sometimes I feel guilty for being so frustrated. God has blessed me so much in this illness, why can't I just wait in Him? Doesn't He have the right to put me in "time-out" for 6 months or more if He so chooses, of course He does, so why can't I just accept that? Why can't I just let go and let God be God? It would make my life so much easier.

I don't question why me, I question how long. How long before He moves me to something new? What's waiting for me around the corner? Am I ready for whatever He has for me? I learned a long time ago that it's not the end that's important to Him, but it's the journey along the way, and I feel like I'm failing miserably in that respect. Other people see me and they think that I'm so strong, but God who knows and sees the real me, knows that I'm not. I struggle like everyone else. I'm in a battle with what, I'm not sure of, but I know that I'm getting wounded along the way. I know that I"ll be standing when the battle is finally over because this battle belongs to the Lord and I belong to Him. I'm just getting tired. . . there's really not too much more to say. I'd pull the covers up over my head, but that won't change things. I can't run from any of this, nor do I want, but. . .you get the picture.

This has been a hard week. We had an incident at tutoring last week that should never had happened and it still hasn't been dealt with. The leader, Jerry, is on vacation this week, so it won't be taken care of until next week. Then, earlier this week my neighbor, Steve, found his old roommate dead in the guys bedroom. He had been dead for at least a week. How does someone die and nobody know about it until a whole week later? Didn't he have any friends? He was addicted to alcohol his whole life, and so he never lead a normal life, he was always drunk. Steve got out of that lifestyle years ago and he tried so hard to witness to him. over and over again. I know Steve's heart is breaking this week. Please pray for Steve. He's scheduled to leave this Friday to go and help the NC Baptist men in Texas with disaster relief. He's not sure if he should still go, or be here in case he's needed by the guys family. He's known them for almost 20 years now. Steve has such compassion for others. It's one of his many gifts from God.

Continue to remember so many people who are affected by the hurricanes this season. So many have nothing left. It will take a long time to rebuild in those hard hit areas. I think of the people in Haiti who already have nothing and then to be hit by a hurricane, how do they go on? I think "How" was an appropriate title for this blog, don't you?