what happened. . .?

How can things change so quickly? It's Thursday Jan.24th. My Dad died yesterday at 4:45p.m. All the family was there but me. He died very peacefully. He didn't struggle at all, he just stopped breathing. I was supposed to leave this a.m. but I wouldn't have gotten out of Raleigh until about 9a.m. and the traffice was horrible. It was snowing all day all the way back to Indiana, so Betty called me on my cell phone and told me to wait and leave tomorrow a.m. instead. She said she'd be fine. I'm ok today but part of me is "crashing". I'm so sleepy and that's not like me. I think I'm exhausted and just don't realize it yet. I'll leave tomorrow at 6a.m. and get into Elkhart about 7p.m. The weather should be more cooperative. I would write about my Dad today, but I can't. The only thing I can say and feel about him today is that he was my favorite person on Earth, and he always will be. No one else will ever compare to him. I miss him so much already. . .more another day. . .

things can change so quickly. . .

It's funny how things can change so quickly. I look back over my last blogs and life has changed so much in such a short time. Last Wed. Jan 9th I was driving back to Indiana because on Tuesday the doctors said my Dad had double pneumonia and wasn't expected to live. On my way there on Wed. Betty called to say Dad had made a turn around and the anitbiotics were working. On Sat. Jan 12th Dad was moved out of ICU and into a regular room. All weekend long his blood pressure kept dropping whenever he exerted himself, but he was recovering after 30 minutes. I stayed with my Dad 24/7 until Sun night when I had to drive back to Kim and Greg's so I could leave Mon a.m. back to Raleigh. An X-Ray was taken on Monday a.m. and there was a little improvement. I've received phone calls all week from Betty and Kim. The nurses say his lungs are shot and he's on the bi-PAP machine more and more everyday. The Dr.'s have all said he won't make it. His oncologist, Dr. Westbrook has said if he can fight off the pneumonia, he'll be ok, but he's not responding to the antibiotics at all anymore. Kim called yesterday and Betty is calling Dr. Westbrook on Monday and wants to have a conference call with all four of us about our options from here. None of them look good. My Dad has made it clear he doesn't want to live a conditional lifestyle. He's ready to go home with Jesus. He's so exhausted that now it seems as if leaving him here on earth would be asking him to suffer just because we're not ready to let go yet. Betty has told Kim that she doesn't think she can be in the room with him when he dies, but Kim said she can. I'd love to wait here in Raleigh until his funeral, but I could never let my sister do this with Dad alone. I'll be leaving whenever Dr. Westbrook says it's time. I can't really afford not to work at this time, but I have no other options. I have to be in Indiana to see this through to the end.
I don't know how you end someone's life without suffering, or even if that's possible. It seems to me human nature would make you fight for your life with literally your last deathing breath. I hope I'm wrong. I'm not sure how strong I am to watch my Dad struggling for his last breath. Is it possible to sedate him. . .we'll find out this week, I guess.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces and he's not even gone yet. I've only been home a week tomorrow and things have changed on a daily basis. One day we're told there's hope and the next day, there's none. Who do you believe in all of this? Thursday night Betty called and she needed to talk about Dad a lot and then she started crying and had to hang up. I went to God immediately on her behalf and while I was talking to Him I got this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to see my Dad alive again here on earth. It was like someone had punched me in the stomache. Now, will I be going back to help him let go and leave us? Time will tell. . .
Kim said Betty asked her if I would be willing to stay for a couple days and nights with her after this is all over. Of course I will. I would do anything for her. She doesn't think she wants to stay in the house, so she'll probably sale it to Adam. She doesn't want to live at Greencroft because it's not home to her. She's thinking of maybe staying with her Son, Craig and his family short term until she can think clearly. My heart breaks for her. She loves my Dad so much!! There's no easy solution here. I'd love for her to move to Raleigh and start over here where I could support her, but that would mean her leaving her family behind and I couldn't ask her to do that. Does God want me to leave Raleigh and move back to Indiana and start over there for Betty's sake? I'm praying and asking for wisdom for all of us.
On another note. . .I just read Katie's blog. . .she's struggling so much trying to have a baby now. I can't relate to her. Her Dad and I got pregnant each time without ever trying and the third time was a big surprise. I know God will give her a baby in His own timing. . .but the waiting can't be easy. She has so many friends and people around her having babies. I hope they won't have to wait for long. I know she's looking forward to going to DC with Shannon and Nick. Maybe she'll become too preoccupied to think about it for awhile. Most women get pregnant when they least expect it. I know God is working in all of this and talking to her about His future plans. I can't imagine being a grandma yet, but I will. Caroline and Darrin and going to start trying to have a baby next year. My Dad was always hoping to see his great-grandchild before he died but it looks like it not's in the plans.
More later. . ..

another day. . .

It's another day in my life. A friend called me Thursday night and asked me if I would mind leading the devotions for the parents during halftime at the Upward Basketball on Saturday. I thought and thought about what I could possibly have to say that would make a difference to them. All I could think of is that someday I would stand before God and He would ask me what I did with the opportunities that He had given me to share His good news with others. That lead me to "Romans Road". It's a kind of cheat sheet that I carry in my Bible all the time in case I'm ever asked to share with someone about Christ and what He means in my life. Most of the scripture is taken from the book of Romans which is how it got its name. I got up Saturday a.m. and started looking through my daily devotion books lying around the house. I read some out of "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby, and I read some out of "Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life"by Charles Swindoll, and I decided to use one out of Chuck Swindoll's book. But when I went in to take a shower God made it pretty clear to me that I was supposed to use my own stuff, so I worked on "Romans Road". A funny thing happened before I left to go to Upward Basketball. There was a knock on my door. A lady with her granddaughter had stopped by to share their pamphlets with me. She was from Jehovah Witness. It was probably 25-30 degrees outside, but there they were. It's funny that they call themselves Jehovah Witnesses because they don't really know Jehovah at all. They are so close, yet so far from the truth. They sound believable, but they don't know the truth. I KNOW the truth and God lovingly reminded me that in knowing the truth there comes a responsibility to share the Good News with others. . .so I went to Upward Basketball and shared with them about God's love for them and who Jehovah really is. I don't know if anyone that heard me made a decision for Christ today, but I'm not responsible for what they heard, I'm only responsible to share what I know. The rest is up to them and the Holy Spirit. Who knows how many seeds were planted today or maybe that someday I get to heaven and someone will be there who heard God speak to them today and they will spend eternity with me and God in heaven. What a thought!!

blessings

When I got the news of my Dad's lung cancer, I thought the world was never going to be the same, but I realized in the past couple of weeks, that my knowing has been a blessing in disguise. Several people I know have lost one of their parents in the past couple of weeks without any warning at all. By knowing of my Dad's condition I'm now able to realize that I have so little precious time left to see him here on earth. If I didn't know, I'd have continued on staying busy and not taking advantage of some time off to visit with him. He means so much to me. How will I face it when the time comes and I have to say goodbye for the last time.? Lord, give me the strength to keep going and thanks for letting me know how little time I have left to spend with him. Help me to let go when the time finally comes.
He's survived the first round of treatments this time, but he feels so awful that he thinks he's dying and that he's never going to feel good again. The doctors have assured him that this is not the case, but he doesn't believe them. He's forgotten how it feels to live a normal life and not feel so sick all the time. It's kind of like when I was pregnant with Katie and I had the blues one day. I was three weeks overdue with her and Alan came home and found me in the nursery sitting in the rocking chair crying my eyes out. I knew I was going to be pregnant forever and that the baby was never going to come out of me. It of course sounds so unrational now, but back then, that's exactly how I felt. I couldn't remember not being pregnant and feeling so big and uncomfortable. That's how it is with my Dad right now. He doesn't remember what normal feels like. It's so depressing. I'll be going home to visit him in a couple of weeks if the weather cooperates. It helped Dad and Betty both when I visited them in Nov. at Thanksgiving so hopefully I can renew their hope when I visit this time. It's been a long road for them. I know they're so tired and can't see the light at the end of this dark tunnel, but it's there, they just need to trust and hang in there. Easier said than done, I know.

I told the girls that I wanted to spend some mother/daughter time together and their suggestion was going out for the Hurricanes hockey game. At first I thought, no way, it's not exactly what I had in mind, but I realized now that it was their way of involving me in something that Nick has taught them to enjoy. It was nice of them to want to include me. Now it seems, we all have hair salon appt. on Feb. 10 at their salon, called Blo. I'm so not into hair and makeup but Katie is and it's really nice of them to include me. It's just so not me! I could care less about what my hair looks like, but Katie and Shannon are so excited about what Blo can do for me. We'll see. . . there's only so much they can work with. . .my ideal day would have been window shopping and then lunch or maybe a long walk where we could talk and then a picnic at a park. Obviously we have different ideas here. Whatever, it's the time spent with them that counts, not what we're doing. Maybe Blo will perform a miracle so to speak, who knows? Maybe I'll look terrific! That would be a self-esteem booster! Gotta run. . .