WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??

Yesterday, I went to go and renew my driver's license. I had gotten a notice about the renewal of my license in Oct. They informed me that I needed to get it renewed early because they were no longer giving you your license that day, but rather I would be receiving it in the mail about 20 days later. Are they kidding? You're putting my ID in the mail?? Does that seem safe to them??

I went to the DMV yesterday and I didn't have a long wait at all. I picked up one of the review sheets on the signs and was looking it over while I waited to be called. It's probably a good thing that I did this because with my "chemo brain", it's easy to get things confused. I noticed yesterday when I was trying to read the signs back to the lady, my brain was saying one thing, but my mouth was saying something else. She DID pass me, but I DID struggle trying to get my brain and mouth to cooperate. She was very patient, I'll give her that.

Now. . .those of you who know me, know that I wear glasses. I've worn glasses since I was 8 years old. I've had my picture taken for years through the DMV and I of course, have a restriciton on my license that says that I have to wear my glasses or contacts,(I don't wear contacts), when I'm driving. No problem!! This was the first time that I've been asked to remove my glasses. WHAT?? I told the man that I wear them all the time, but he said they were creating a "glare" and that he needed me to take them off. Does he not know how to take a picture? So. . . now I have a new drivers license that will last for 8 years, I'm not wearing glasses, and it's possible that my wig may not look anything like my real hair when it finishes coming in! I guess if I have to show my photo ID, I'll have to say, "yes, that's me. Wait, I'll take my glasses off so that you can really tell it's me." How stupid has our government become?? My ID doesn't look like me at all. It's a very close-up picture. I'm pretty sure that if you look closely, you might be able to see a few nose hairs if I had any left. Give me a break!!

Well . . .that was my day yesterday. I guess the only good thing that I can day about the DMV thing is that they haven't switched over to mailing out the licenses yet, so I did get mine yesterday. I wonder what today will bring. I'm off to work this a.m. and then home for a nap, then tutoring. . .etc. It's Wednesday, need I say more?

life settles down eventually. . .

Wow, to say that I survived 2008 is an understatement. What a year!! I thought losing my Dad in January was the hardest thing that I'd have to face in 2008 but in June, being diagnosed with ovarian cancer that had spread to other parts, was devastating!! It turned my whole world upside down and I'm still trying to recover in 2009. The oncologist said that it would be June of 2009 before I'd feel normal again. We'll see. . .

I started this year feeling worse than I felt during my chemo treatments and not understanding why. My neighbor, Allison, talked to me last weekend and put everything into perspective for me and everything that she said made sense. She said that I felt good during the treatments because of the steroids that they kept pumping through me. The problem is, that when I get tired, I don't have the steroids to "rebuild" my body. My body has to do all the work itself and if I don't get enough rest or push myself too hard, there's nothing for my body to "rebuild" with. Now when I get exhausted during the day, all I can do is stop and rest. I don't have any other choices. My body won't keep going. I either get a headache or I get nauseous when I overdue, but if I stop and lay down, within the hour, I feel fine and then I can continue with what I was doing. This is so hard for me to deal with. I've never felt tired my whole entire life. Even during the treatments, it was only on the 3rd and 4th day after the treatments that I laid around. After that, I felt fine and just waited for the next round. Now. . .everyday is a challenge. I'm able to work in the a.m. but it's a given that I need to nap before I try and do anything else that day. Hopefully, with time, this will get better. I'm sure it will. The oncologist is surprised that I've gone back to work at all, but working in the a.m. is fine, I really need to try and get back some normalcy to my life, and this is one way of doing that. Not to mention, I need the the income to stay afloat.

What am I looking forward to in 2009? More time with the girls and Nick. . .work settling down to normal. . .maybe even doing something different or maybe in a different capacity. . .time spent in Indiana with family. . .time spent with friends. . .maybe finding out that I'm to be a grandmother soon. . .not feeling tired. . .all my hair growing back(it's growing but I've a long way to go.) Right now it looks like Demi Moore did in "GI Jane". That's how short it is. It's only been growing for 2 weeks now and I actually had to shave the other day, so . . .here's to the future. . .being able to help others as much as they helped me in 2008. . .bringing more people to Christ and sharing with them what a difference He can make in their life. . .being able to help other people who are struggling with cancer . . .allowing God to use last year for His glory!

I'm blogging today just so that I can say that I blogged. I've gone back to work cleaning only one house a day, usually in the a.m. I'm grateful to God that I was able to pay my rent for the first time since July. It's due mainly in part to the fact that some of my customers gave me a Christmas bonus even though I didn't deserve one this year.

I'm struggling physically with trying to be patient as my body heals from the chemo drugs. I tire easily and it's hard for me to deal with, because I've never felt tired before. Now, I have the energy in the a.m. to do one or two things, and then I have to rest in the afternoon or I can't make it through the rest of the day. My emotional state isn't much better. Most days I crash. I can't seem to handle much stress right now. My car was acting weird this weekend so I missed going to church but I didn't really feel up to going anyways. Most days I just want to stay in and "veggie". Then my sound system went out on my computer and on top of all that, I'm finally coming down with a cold. It's too much on my platter right now. I don't have the resolve to deal with too many problems at one time. My car's electrical fan near the radiator stopped working, (one more thing), but Nick is going to look at it, it's just one more broken thing to have to deal with right now.

I'm thinking 2009 will be better. . .one can only hope. I'm trying to sound upbeat, but it's just not in me right now. I'll blog another day when I'm able to deal with stuff. Don't worry, I usually "crash" after the major trial, but I always bounce back, I'm just not patient enough these days. Everything will work out, it always does.

I survived this week. . .

I can't believe it's already Friday! Where has the week gone? It's been a busy one for me. I've worked everyday this week and on Tuesday, I cleaned two homes. One thing that I've noticed is that I don't' move as quickly as I used to. I noticed that even when I'm walking with other people, they walk much faster than I do. I guess that's what happens when you sit "idle" for so long. I'm sure I'll speed up eventually. I'm fighting a headache tonight, but it's probably because of all the things that I've done this week. It's been a busy one, that's for sure!

Tonight, Shannon is supposed to call anytime now and we're going to decide if we want to go see the musical light show at Lake Myra. I'm pretty sure that they've had to cancel it every night this week because of the rain and fog in the area. Maybe tonight will be different. We'll see. . .

Tomorrow I have no plans all day except to finish filling out my Christmas cards. I've started the process but I probably have at least a couple more hours before I'm finished. I'm such a procrastinator! If things take a long time to finish, I have a hard time sticking to it until it gets down to the final wire, time wise. I'll put all of the cards in the mailbox tomorrow. No excuses!

I wanted to let you know about the new movie, Marley and Me. It comes out Christmas Day. My friends, Robin and Pedro went to the premiere last night. It's not the kind of movie that you want to take your family to see, especially not on Christmas Day. It's a movie about this dog, Marley, of course, but the movie is all about his life and how in the end they have to euthanize him, (yes they show this part). My friends said there wasn't a dry eye in the theatre. It was especially hard for Robin to watch. They have an older dog, Raleigh, that's getting to the stage where they're going to have to make some tough decisions concerning his health and quality of life. Some of you have been there, so you know how hard this is. I'm not sure why a movie had to be made like this, and to premiere it on Christmas Day is distasteful, if you ask me. I just wanted to give you a heads up, in case you were thinking of seeing this movie.

Enough movie talk. . .are you tired of hearing everyone ask you if you're ready for Christmas yet? I'm not really sure what to say to people. I haven't done any shopping. I HAVE baked Christmas cookies, (which I'm thoroughly enjoying!), and I have all the Christmas decorations up, inside and out. The stockings are hung up waiting to be filled, (I'll probably fill them), and I've been listening to all my neat Christmas music around the house. I've watched Christmas movies when I've had the chance, and we just performed the Cantata on Sunday a.m. I still haven't gotten to see the musical light show, but that's probably going to take place tonight or this weekend. I think in answer to that question, I'm more prepared this year at this time, than I've ever been in years. You see, my focus hasn't been on the shopping, baking, decorating, music, movies, etc. but truly my heart has been thinking about Him.

Two weeks ago at church. they used some clips from the "Nativity" in the early service. I'd forgotten how much is portrayed in this movie. The last scene they showed was the birth of Jesus. It's hard for me to watch that scene and not cry. I can't fathom why God would give up all of heaven and come to earth as a baby, no less, just because of His love for me. What's more vulnerable than a newborn? So many things could have happened! Before you start commenting to me about how God had it all in His plans, I know that, but still, a BABY?? I think about Mary and the position that she was placed in, the disgrace to her family, the disgrace to her Joseph. It's obvious that they had to have a lot of trust in each other, but more importantly, they had trust in God. I wonder if I would have that much trust in Him? They were outcasts until Jesus was born, and even then, people would know that Jesus was not Joseph's son. What a heavy burden to carry for 9 months! I wonder if they felt afraid when they had to travel to Bethlehem because of the census being taken? When Joseph was the only one there in that stable and had to help bring Jesus into the world, can't you imagine how much fear they must have felt? We panic if the labor pains are 2-3 minutes apart and we're not near a hospital where there are doctors to help us. They had no one!! No women were there to help Mary deliver her firstborn! She had Joseph only, to rely upon. There aren't very many dads out there that would want to change places with Joseph. They're more than happy to stay at their wife's side and let her squeeze their hands during each contraction, but DELIVER their firstborn, I think not!! When we think of Christmas, as Christians, we know that Christmas is all about Jesus' birth, but do we think about all that took place before the beautiful ending? Mary and Joseph had so much faith in God, that they were willing to trust in Him for everything, no matter what the circumstances. Oh, that my faith could be that strong!! I love the manger scene like everyone else does, but this year, God has reminded me to "look" at the before pictures and to put it all into perspective. Where would I be today if Mary and Joseph had chosen to do things their own way?

Maybe that's why God chose such young people to fulfil His most awesome plan. I think the older we get, the more set in our ways we become, and the harder it is to just let God be God in our lives. My life this year hasn't gone anything like I would have planned it, and yet I'm glad that I could see God all along the way. I have always said that it's the "people" in my life that bring me happiness. It's never been about the "stuff" that we as humans collect. God has used so many of you to bring me happiness this year. My heart at times has been overflowing with your love and compassion towards me. It's been so special to be able to have lunch or dinner with many of you, and to just laugh together, remembering old times. When I was working so much before, it was so hard to get together with you, but I've had these past 6 months to reconnect with you guys and I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas! I'm looking forward to having a day to just spend with the "kids". I'm not traveling this year back to Indiana,(which is probably good, seeing as how the weather isn't cooperating), but I'm planning on going back probably in March or possibly the end of January. It will all depend on the weather, and if my work schedule and my wallet can handle it. With gas prices down right now, that helps. We'll just see how everything plays out. My energy level isn't strong enough yet to make the trip, but a lot can change in a month's time.

Angel tree ministry

Just wanted to jot this down for future reference. . .I was disappointed that I wouldn't have any extra money to be able to sponsor a child from the angel tree this year at our church. I DID fix a box for Samaritan's purse but I opted out of the angel tree this year. I'm not buying presents for anyone this year, (finances just aren't there).I'm praying that I'll have enough to pay something toward my rent,(it looks real good in that dept.). I haven't paid any rent since July and James, the landlord has been so understanding. He was deeply concerned about my health so he let it slide. He was a customer of mine for the past two years, so we have a personal relationship as well as a business one. My rent was increased in June, because I remember seeing a letter when I got home from the hospital but I honestly don't know how much it is now. Whatever I pay him, will be fine. My goal is to be back to full capacity by the mid-to-end of January. I'm feeling very good right now. People keep telling me not to overdue, but I'm not sure what my energy level is at because I don't push myself as hard as I used to. I take each day as it is.

Back to why I'm blogging twice in one day. When I was walking over to the other side of the church tonight, I passed by the church library and there was a big bag ready to go out for the angel tree ministry. It was the last bag to be delivered and the people didn't want to let me take it, but I did a little bit of begging, so. . .tomorrow a.m. I'm making a "Santa" visit in Wake Forest. I'm so glad that God let me be used of Him. I talked to the mom tonight and she was so appreciative, (they always are!). I might not have been able to buy the gifts but at least I get to deliver them. Thanks God!! He always works things out in just the right way, don't you agree?

He even let me do some Christmas shopping without spending any of my own money. My friend, Cindy, and I got to shop for all of the tutoring kids this year, all 19 of them. We decided to buy everyone a game this year. Our budget was $10 a person and we were able to find each kid a game within our budget. The kids had a lot of fun opening them today. It's always fun watching kids open their gifts. Jerry, our minister in charge of the tutoring program, even had a gift for us leaders. I got a beautiful candle that has peppermints melted into the sides of it. It's very nice. I will think of the tutoring ministry everytime that I use it.

I still haven't heard from Katie so I'm not sure what the Christmas schedule is yet. I know that Shannon is joining me at church Christmas Eve for the service. Katie and Nick will probably be there also, who knows? Katie's a hard one to connect with.

Well, that's all for now. Not too bad. . .blogging twice in a one day. I wonder if that's a record?

back to work. . .

Hey, this should be short, because like all of you, I have a life again. As much as I've tried to find another job, my home cleaning business is growing again. I'm not complaining, I absolutely love my job. I only wish I could make enough to be able to afford the taxes. Being self-employed and with no benefits, is costly! I'm so grateful though, that God has allowed me an income to be able to pay my bills. I started working again once I got past the last treatment. I worked 3 days the first week, 4 days the 2nd week, and now this week, I'm working 5 days and yesterday I cleaned two houses instead of just one a day. Today I interviewed for another new house that I'm cleaning next Tuesday and she wants me to come every other week. Before I got sick, I was cleaning 2-3 houses a day, depending on their size.

I don't have a lot of time to blog right now. I need to shower and then head out to tutoring from 4-5, dinner at church from 5-6:30 and then G.A.'s from 6:30-7:30. We have the choir Christmas party tonight, but I'm skipping it this year. It would be nice to see everyone but I don't want to wear myself out and I have a big house to clean in the a.m. and then Robin called and I'm babysitting the kids tomorrow night. It'll do me good to come home and rest up for the rest of the week.

I think Shannon and I are going to go and see the Christmas lights on Friday night, The Aids Care team tried to go Monday night, but it was rainy in Knightdale and foggy, so they cancelled the show that night. Hopefully we'll have better luck on Friday. If you haven't seen the show yet, google lake myra christmas lights and it will take you to their website. It's pretty cool!! The kids and I have been going for years. We found out about it through Katie's band director, Mr. Arnold, when she was in high school and we've been going every since.

Well, gotta go shower or I'm going to be late. The kids are going to be "wired" today. We're having our Christmas party for them today. We bought each kid a game. They'll love it and we're having special snacks today. Wish me luck. . .

CURED

So many of you have emailed me and asked why I haven't blogged in such a long time and the truth of the matter is, that I couldn't blog. My brain was so scattered that I couldn't put my thoughts into words. Ever feel like that? It could have been the fact that I went back to cleaning one house a day and then trying to keep up with all the evening activites, there wasn't much left to me at the end of the day. But. . .I'm back.

I got my CAT scan results back yesterday a.m. and the oncologist told me that I"m "cured". I asked her to say it again, because I didn't even realize that that was an option. I thought the best scenario that I could hope for was remission. I thought that you had to go 2 years without the reoccurence of cancer before they could say you're cured. Apparently not! The oncologist told me that I don't do anything nornal, (does that surprise any of you who know me?), and that because I had had all of my surgery before starting chemo, if the CAT scan showed no cancer cells, then I'm cured. WOW!! What else is there to say? Yesterday I found out even more so how much of a miracle all of this is. No one had told me after my surgery, but apparently the 5 liters of fluid that they removed as well, contained something like grains of sand in it. My whole abdominal cavity was filled with these grains of sand, so. . . for the CAT scan to be completely clean seems almost impossible. God is so good!!

Now I try and figure out where God is leading me on my next journey. I'm not exactly sure where that is yet, but there's no doubt that He'll be going with me, He always does.

I'm feeling pretty good. The oncologist asked me what percentage I felt I was back to working with, and I told her 30-40%. She then asked me to give her an example of a typical day for me and when I finished she started laughing and told me that I was operating at a 70-80% level, but I told her that she had asked me what level "I" was working at and in comparison to what I was doing before June of this year, I'm only at a 30-40% level. She called me an "overachiever". We all laughed! You who know me, know that I DO cram a lot into my day, but if it wore me out, or made me feel exhausted at the end of the day, then I'd scale back, but that's never been the case. God provides all of my strength everyday to accomplish all that He has for me. You may call me an overachiever, I just say I love serving Him with my whole heart. I can't imagine living my life any other way.