Patience. . .

Don't ever pray for patience! You won't like how God teaches you patience. I've had to learn patience so much these past few months. I've been blessed beyond measure with friends, the church, family, etc., but when you have to depend on someone else for your finances, watch out! The church has agreed to pay for my bills until I can go back to work. There's so much of me that just wants to scream, forget how you feel taking the chemo, and just go back to work!! Life was a lot easier. I was never late paying my bills. I consolidated all of my credit cards last August and would have all my debt finished in 3 years, now my credit is ridiculous!!

Last month the church forgot to pay(or misplaced) my Progress Energy bill that I had taken in so the executive secretary at church called Progress Energy, explained the situation and pledged the past due amount. This month they're threatening to turn off my power because they didn't receive payment last month. I went to the church and talked to the associate Pastor, she looked into it and it turns out that although the pledge was made the person responsible forgot to put a request in for the check to be processed so it didn't get paid. They called Progress Energy again, made another pledge and then I stayed and watched them write the request slip out for the treasurer. Yesterday, I got a response back from Clearpoint Financial Solutions(my debt repayment program), and I got the check back for the bills for the month of Oct. because the church treasurer sent a church check even though for the past 3 months they've had to send a money order because that's the only form of payment Clearpoint can accept. Hopefully, the church can get the money order sent out before the end of Sept.

Capital One credit card company is just as bad. I pay them myself and every month I have to call them and ask them why they keep charging me $29 late fee when even though I have an outstanding balance that I can't pay until I go back to work in Dec/Jan, and they tell me every time that they're not going to charge me and that they'll refund the money, they still get it wrong every month. I'm so tired of the financial hassles. I have a credit card with Washington Mutual, and they have to be the worst. They call at least every other day from their collection dept. and no matter how many times I tell them the same things and they say they won't call anymore, they still call and threaten. It's gotten so bad now that when they call, they listen to what I have to say, then they start screaming that I have to pay them the past due amount, and then THEY hang up on me!! I don't have to hang up on them. The other day a woman called, said she understood my situation(that's good because I could hardly understand her English), she would need to put information into the computer so they would stop calling, and then asked me the same questions they ask everyday. I'm afraid I wasn't as "patient" that day and so once I told her the name of Clearpoint Financial Solutions and the name of my agent, she then asked for their phone number. I told her I didn't have the file in front of me and I was pretty sure she could go on line and look it up or call information. She told me I had to give her their number, I repeated myself, she started screaming, I told her I was finished with the conversation, and that I was now going to hang up! See. . .I told you I was not patient that day!

My finances are basically in a mess which is funny because people in the church have contributed over $5000 into my account to pay for my bills and every week more money gets put in. It's not that the money isn't there, the church just keeps messing up the payment method. Needless to say, this is totally out of my control. Do you see why I'm so frustrated?? If I just went back to work, had money coming in, paid my own bills, things would settle down.

In my last blog I mentioned how Shannon had asked if I like to work just 20 hours a week shelving books. I would love that!! I just never know how I'm going to feel the week after chemo on Friday and so I haven't committed to anything during that first week, because I don't want to not be able to fulfill my commitment to someone. It's so hard on the two weeks that I feel normal to not go out and find a job. I feel like there's so much more that I could be doing than just waiting around for life to settle down to normal again. The effects of chemo are accumulative so I won't know how bad I'm going to feel each time that first week, until I get through the last one. I am doing volunteer work here and there, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.

My whole life is in this holding pattern. I stress trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing when all of this is over. I know that God has a plan for me, but what is it?? I'm definitely failing in the "patience" dept. I have no clue what lies ahead or what I'm leaning toward.

Please pray that I will be PATIENT inspite of my circumstances. I know that others are struggling with other issues just as much as I'm struggling with all of this. Life is rough. There's always going to be something going on that we can't control. The fact of the matter is, God is so much bigger than all of this, and this is so small in comparison to everything else in life. Think about all the people that have been affected by all the hurricanes recently. They have lost everything. I took my friend, Jon, to the airport yesterday so that he could fly out to Texas for 10 days and feed the people there who finances don't mean anything to them right now. They just want somewhere to lay their tired heads and just be able to enjoy a hot cooked meal. I remember when hurricane Fran came through and the girls and I went 10 days without power. I worked with Disaster Relief for almost 3 weeks. There was nothing else I could do about my situation, but I could at least help others find their homes again amongst all the fallen trees. It was long days, but they were days that I wouldn't trade for anything. It felt so good to be able to help others less fortunate and throughout all that time, God provided meals, hot showers, and childcare for the girls and I. We never wanted for anything those whole 3 weeks. That's why I serve the God that I serve. He is so wonderful!! He's always there, even when you don't sense His presence, He's still there. He prepares the way even before you know that you have a need. Who else can do that? Trust in Him, He's the only thing to hold onto when you're struggling with "patience". I'll just try a little harder this week with the "patience" thing.