Good morning everybody,
I was wide awake at 4:30 a.m. for some odd unknown reason. I can't even blame the cats this time, just me. Yesterday was such a special day! One of my former customer,(and friend, Leia), had call earlier a couple weeks ago and asked if I'd like to do lunch. Her kids had missed seeing me around and I had missed seeing them, too. At the time, the family was spreading around a flu bug, so we had to choose a later date, then chemo hit, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel this time around, but we finally got together for lunch yesterday.

Her daughter, Katie, is so cute! I could just eat her up! She chose for us to go to the Tea Room in Wake Forest. I've been to the Tea Room in Fuquay Varina. We had a birthday party there for my daughter, Katie one year. She loved it. It's so girly, which is definitely MY Katie's style.
They have this wall and basket full of hats for you to wear, as well as necklaces and gloves. We know how little girls love to dress up! I'm not really a hot tea drinker, but the iced strawberry tea was pretty good. It was so much fun watching Katie trying to be quite the little lady. She loved used the tongs for the sugar cubes and drinking the hot tea out of the tea cups was precious. Who needs a pretend tea party with your dolls, when you can have the real thing? The food was delicious, but the company was even better. They also have a small store downstairs, that if you really could take the time, it would take hours to see everything. Leia insisted on getting me a souvenir of our day, so she picked out a beautiful mug and coasters. The mug is now sitting in the middle of the headboard of my waterbed where the cats can't break it, and one of the coasters is sitting in front of me here at the computer just waiting for my sweet tea breaks. I wouldn't have traded our outing yesterday for anything! Thanks bunches, Katie and Leia. We definitely have to do that again sometime.

Today I'm baking my brains out! I already have a breakfast casserole in the oven for the Katie and Nick to enjoy this weekend. I don't think Shannon eats it. She doesn't like sausage, if I remember right. I'm also baking peach cobbler for my neighbors. Steve has been so great about keeping the lawn mowed. I baked him an apple pie last week, but this week it's peach cobbler. I'm also baking shortcake this a.m. I'm going over to the kids for dinner and they've asked me to bring homemade strawberry shortcake. Katie's making her famous pot roast with gravy. I've heard it's delicious! She's actually a better cook than I am, so it should be pretty good. I remember the days when she would always burn something in the kitchen. She was really good at leaving plastic lids on the burners, I'm not sure why she would put them there in the first place, but it was pretty much a given that the smoke detector was going off if Katie was in the kitchen. She finally got to where she just disconnected it whenever she cooked something. I will say it saved on the eardrums! My how she's grown up!

I had another customer call and check in with me yesterday, too. I cleaned her and her sister every other week. We're doing lunch in about a week and a half from now. I've really missed my customers. Most of them I cleaned so long, that it was more than a business relationship. I got to know their families and I really miss seeing them. It'll be fun to catch up on their lives.

I keep wondering what God has in store for me after all of this is over. Will He have me work with kids as a teacher asst. or will He have me working with the senior adult population again? I've done both and love both equally as well. I've decided to spend my time off ministering to others. I called a woman yesterday who had put a plea out in our church bulletin about helping to deliver the flowers to our shut-ins on Monday a.m. that are leftover from the church service on Sunday. I'm trying really hard to remember to help out with tutoring on Mondays and Wednesdays after school. Jerry says to come on whenever I feel up to it, but really we have new volunteers and my services aren't really needed there anymore, which is a blessing. We had a hard time finding people to help out in the beginning but now we have high schoolers coming in and the kids love them! Thanks guys!

I know in the past whenever I've tried to figure out what God has in store for me, I always get way ahead of Him, and it's usually not even close to what I was thinking, I'm sure none of you have ever done that. I get a sense that God may not call me back to a 9-5 job but rather at this point in my life, it may be more of a ministry of some type. Don't get me wrong, even when I cleaned homes, I never saw it as a job. It was always a ministry to me. I loved being able to clean people's homes so that they had the extra time to devote to their families and not have to worry about the cleaning. My favorite part of the job was helping out the elderly. God has always given me a tender heart toward them. It's probably because I grew up living with my grandma from the age of 7-19.

I didn't really get to be a kid growing up because I needed to help take care of her. She was 72 yrs. old when she died and she was my mom when I was growing up. I loved her to pieces!! She needed someone to stay with her for companionship when my grandpa died suddenly, and her children chose me. I was so blessed!! Life was hard growing up, but it made me who I am today, and I have her to thank for that. She died a couple of months before I got married and I've always thanked God that she met Alan before He called her home. She had Alzheimer's when she died so she didn't know who people were most of the time, but the night before she died, Alan and I had stopped at the hospital to see her. She was supposed to be returning to the nursing
home the next morning. That evening she knew who I was and she knew who Alan was and we had such a nice visit. She passed away in her sleep. There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I can't wait to get to heaven to see her, my mom, my dad.and everybody else that's gone before me. What a day of rejoicing that will be!!

Well I have errands to run and my stomach is growling so loud for breakfast that the cat actually just jumped and almost fell off of the top of the computer. He loves sitting up there whenever I'm on the computer. I just wish he'd try a little harder to keep his face out of the screen area. What's a person to do?? You gotta love him!

pictures

what were they thinking???

I wrote yesterday about my cousin, Gene being killed in an auto accident. The story just gets sadder and sadder. It appears he was trying to steal a catalytic converter out of one of the cars on the lot. A policeman tried to stop him from entering his truck, but he was able to shift it into gear. He drugged the policeman, the policeman shot at him and he died instantly at the scene. How tragic!! Now because of his stupidity, his sister has to fly back to Elkhart, do a memorial service Saturday for her mom, and on top of all of that she has to bury her brother as well. I'm so sorry, Teresa! Please pray for strength for her. I don't think her husband is coming with her, he's staying behind with their twin daughters. Uncle Dave is not healthy enough to travel, so he'll be staying put, as well. The article said that Gene had 12(unbelievable) other run ins with the law. How does something like this happen? It worse than a soap opera!! I need to change the direction of this blog, or I'll just start crying. . .what a waste!

Today I'm back to normal, just tired. Not tired from the treatment, tired from 2 very naughty cats who reside here with me. For some reason their internal alarm clock keeps going off at 4 a.m. Buttons, the oldest one starts it. He climbs up onto the ledge of the bathtub in my master bath, and bawls his head off until I get up and turn on the spout for his a.m. drink. I could choke him somedays!! Once he's up, then Skittles starts in. He wants me to get up, open the back porch door to the screened in porch area, open the window in my room, so he can climb through to the screened in back porch, and then they'll both settle down and go back to sleep. Meanwhile, after doing all of that, I'm wide awake and I've tried going back to sleep but by 5:45a.m., I'm up again because then the outdoor cats are awake and they want THEIR breakfast. There has to be a better way! So. . .here it is 8a.m. and I'm already for a morning nap. I've emailed everybody who emailed me last night, and I've worked on some paperwork, and now I'm getting sleepy.

I'm excited about church tonight. Everything starts over. Dinners, GA's, etc. I'm so grateful to God that I'm feeling like my old self enough that I haven't had to miss anything. I'm scheduled to help with GA's this year and I'm hoping that they'll let me plan the fall sleepover. What's GA's without a sleepover? It just wouldn't be the same. Shelly Bell is supposed to be coming back too. I just need to schedule the sleepover around my treatments. Although to be honest, Fridays aren't ever really a problem. Even if I had a treatment on that Friday, I'd be ok. If I know them, though, they'll try to make me take it easy, but I'm sure we can find some middle ground. Once I can show them that I'm really feeling ok, it will be fine.

Well before I nod off here at the computer, I should probably go get some breakfast. Hey, Shannon could you download those pictures to my blog site? I can't wait to share them. Thanks, my little Shannie-banannie. Love ya. . .

Hey Gang,
Today is supposed to be my "hard" day but it's really not too bad. Shannon just called and asked if I could ride out with her to look at a car that she might buy. She applied for the new manager position with Barnes and Noble and she got it! Congrats, Shannon. Since it's quite a bit more money than she's used to, she wants to get a better car. Personally, I love her car. It's a small car,(which I miss having). I think she's looking at a CRV. Nick and her went out looking last night while Katie was working, but I guess they ran out of time to go see this one.

I'm taking my meds this time and what a difference in how I'm feeling. The Ativan does make me sleepy, but at least my body doesn't hurt as much as the last time. I'm a little more nauseous this time too, but the pill works immediately.

I have a prayer concern to share with you. My Aunt Linda died over this past weekend. She lived with my Uncle Dave in Texas. I haven't seen her since before I was married, but Betty called this a.m. to tell me that their son was killed in a car accident. Uncle Dave will not only be dealing with the grief of Linda but now his last son, Gene. Gene was divorced and has 2 sons. He has a girlfriend that's hurting as well. Uncle Dave will not be returning to Elkhart for the memorial service for Linda this Saturday, but their daughter, Teresa is returning to make all the arrangements for her mom and now possibly for her brother. Please pray for this family. I can't imagine how they must feel. Gene came to my Dad's funeral in January. Uncle Dave must be devastated. I had considered going back, but now is not good timing, so I'll be staying put. All of the family has already called me and told me to stay put. No problem on this end. I don't' have the strength right now to travel alone that far. I'm sure next week will be better but it would be impossible right now.

On a lighter note, I'm feeling well enough to go out to dinner with my S.S. class tonight. We're having dinner at Mimi's Cafe at 6:30. I don't trust how I'll feel with the Ativan so I've already arranged for someone to take me. We'll have fun! It'll be good to get out. I just need to take a nap this afternoon.

Almost all of my hair is gone now. I never knew that I had red hair, but I do! It's very red! I also have lots of moles on my head, who knew? I still have enough hair that I can't quite make out the shape of my head yet, but I will soon.

Well, Shannon should be here in a few minutes so I need to finish getting ready.

Day one after chemo. 2 down, 4 to go. Yesterday went pretty well. Blood work barely hurt, but they did blow the vein in my hand. That's no fun! They put a saline solution through the IV. Boy, does that sting for about 1-2 minutes. They used a different nurse on the other hand and we had no problems. I don't think the first nurse did anything wrong, it just happens.

When they got ready to give me the Benadryl IV I asked them how much they were giving me and she said 50 mg. I told her we were only doing 25 mg. before each chemo drug. She looked on the chart and she said," no you had 50 mg., we just slowed it down because of the reaction you had". I told her I would rather she only do 25 mg. and she said she didn't think that 25mg. was enough to keep me from having a reaction to the chemo drug. She also said she couldn't force me to have 50 mg. I told her I understood her position and that I wasn't trying to be difficult, but with my drug sensitivity I was a little concerned. I asked her what the reactions would be and she said, trouble breathing, trouble swallowing, maybe a rash. I asked her if I could have those reactions later after I got home, but she said no, the reactions would happen only while the chemo drug was being administered. She agreed to keep the other 25mg. nearby the IV just in case it was needed. I told her that worked for me. The Benadryl did not make me loopy this time and I was even able to get up and walk to the bathroom with assistance. When we finished she said that I was right and that 25mg. was obviously enough for me, and she would make note of it in my chart for next time. I thanked her.

Day one is leaving me feeling pretty normal. I got up early and baked an apple pie(I'm having dinner with Steve and Allyson tonight), and I'm also bringing homemade mac and cheese in the crockpot. They're doing chicken breast on the grill with corn on the cob. Yummy Yum!! Bring it on! I made some homemade applesauce with the few apples I had left over but I think I'm going to take it to Sheri tomorrow night for music practice. I know it couldn't have been easy going with me on Thursday. She was great!! I love my new wig. Yeah, I know I said earlier in my blog that I'm so not a wig person, but this wig looks so much like my normal hair. I wear the scarves at home, ( compliments of Sheri), and when I go out and especially at church, I wear the wig because then people don't know that I'm sick with chemo treatments, and those at church who do know, if they don't see the scarves then they'll think at least I haven't lost my hair and the focus when I'm singing up front won't be on me, but it will be praise to God as it should be.
I had lunch with the girls today and they loved the new wig. Shannon used her digital camera so that we can email my new "do" to my sister so she won't feel so bad. We even took a picture of all three of us so I can update my screen saver of us. The one I have now was taken 2 years ago. It turned out pretty good. When she gets it downloaded and sends it to me, I'll try and email to all of you so you can see what I'm talking about.

The Dr. yesteray did yell at me. It seems that when I start having bad days with the chemo I'm supposed to take the Ibuprofen and the Ativan for those three days. She couldn't believe I didn't take anything. I told her that they had told me not to take anything extra because it could mess up the chemo drugs that I'm taking. I was glad that Robin was there because she was my witness and she heard them say the same things I did. So. . . the Dr. thinks round 2 should be a lot easier since I'll be taking the drugs this time. I'm not keen on taking the Ativan because it's like Valium and it makes you very sleepy and loopy but the Dr. said that the 3 days when I'm feeling the effects from the chemo are the three days that my body needs extreme rest to be able to recuperate from the steroids I take before the effects hit. She said the pattern I had the first time fit exactly the way it should. I take steroids the day of chemo and then 2 days after, so that by Monday the steroids are wearing off and that's why I start hurting but the Ibuproben will alleviate the discomfort and the Ativan will give my body the rest that it needs. Good thing I'm not working, I might fall alseep cleaning out a toilet and end up giving myself a "swirly"

When I had lunch today with the girls they invited me to dinner this coming Friday. At first I thought Katie was asking Shannon if she was going to be able to join them for dinner, but no, she was talking to me. She's making her famous pot roast with homemade gravy. Sounds good to me!! I'm bringing dessert and the girls have already requested strawberry shortcake. Hope I can find strawberries. I'll need to keep my eyes open for the grocery flyers and see who has the better deal this week. If anyone reads this blog and knows where the deals are, please feel free to email me. Thanks! The girls even helped me stop by Food Lion for a couple of things I still needed to get. That helps so much when I can have help in the store. At least then I have energy left for when I get home and have to carry it all inside and put it away.

Got a call from Betty this a.m. My Aunt Linda in Texas, ( my Dad's brother, Dave's wife), passed away. She had a slight stroke a few weeks ago and had gone home to stay with her daughter, Teresa, but ended up back in the hospital and they had to put her on a ventilator this week and she died. They'll have the funeral in Texas, but Dave wants to have a memorial service back in Elkhart. No details yet, but I told Betty that if the time frame fits around my chemo treatments, of course I'll drive back for my Uncle Dave. We'll see. . . My next treatment is Sept. 12. It's the half way point by then already. It's actually going pretty fast. . .

I think that pretty much catches you up on what's been happening around here
Bye for now. . .

Hey Gang,

It's been awhile. So much has happened in the past 9 days. I just got back from Indiana over the weekend. I left on Friday and drove straight through and returned on Tuesday. It was great seeing all the family. The only ones I didn't see was my niece, Caroline and her husband, Darren. It was so last minute, I'm surprised that I got to see as many of them as I did. Betty is doing great, but I think she worries about me, but while I was there 3 people called me from here in Raleigh to see how it was going and how I did driving all that way, so it reinforced what I'd been telling her all along about how much people care and help me here in Raleigh. I think it made it easier on her when it was time for me to go.

Before I left, someone anonymously gave me $200 cash from the church and another lady gave me $100 cash on Thursday night during music practice to help with the expense of the gas driving that far. Everybody's been so sweet and supportive, how could I not feel blessed, inspite of the circumstances. At our business meeting last night at church our budget report showed that I now have $3700 in my account to help with the bill paying. That just blows my mind!!

Today I asked Sheri K. to go with me to this wig place out near Crabtree Valley Mall so that I could get some scarves to wear because my hair has begun coming out. It doesn't bother me that I'm losing it, (welcome to chemo 101), it's more so that I'm constantly shedding all over the place. I called Shannon's friend, Kim, who works with Shannon and has just finished her chemo treatments 2 months ago, and she recommended this place highly. She gave me a lot of other good advice for the future as well. I just love her!! She's so sweet. Maybe someday God can use me to help someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation, who knows?

This place was amazing. The owner, Rose, was so kind and encouraging. I wasn't going to go with a wig, (it's so not me), but her coworker said it best when she pulled me aside and said, " It's nice to feel normal inspite of everything going on around you by just wearing a wig and feeling like your old self when you look in the mirror." I couldn't have said it better myself. I don't mind losing my hair because it will grow back in a very short time. It's just the shedding that bothers me now. Most people just go to their salons and let them shave their head. As strong as people think I am, I'm not sure that I could do that. I'd rather just let it fall out naturally and as long as I have my wig on or my scarves around the house, I probably won't notice the shedding as much. Sheri said she thinks I'm very brave and strong, but I still don't get why people say that. I'm not brave, I just don't have any control over what's happening and I have always lived my life with just dealing with life the way it is. Besides, it's just hair! I'm more concerned about how long I'll be able to keep functioning. Kim yesterday on the phone said she thinks I'll be fine all the way through this trial, because I don't give up on anything and I just keep going. She told me I was a strong person, too. I DO like the wig. We stopped by Barnes and Noble while Shannon was working and she didn't even realize I had a wig on, ( go Mom!), she only knew it was a wig because it has highlights near the bang area and she knew I was losing my hair. She loved it!! Thanks Shannon. You made my day. I'm wearing it tonight for music practice. Sheri's going to be there and she thinks that no one there will know. We'll see. I think she may be right.

Tomorrow is my 2nd chemo and so tonight I need to make up some foods that I can just warm up next week when I don't feel good. I've made the ice tea. I have egg casserole, a couple of cheeseburgers for the freezer, and taco sauce to make after I get home this evening. I still need to vacuum, refill the cat food container, do a little laundry, pull out the sleeper sofa, and load the VCR and DVD players. Some of it I can do tomorrow afternoon after I take my nap. You don't usually feel bad the day of chemo.

I'm hoping that next week I can feel ok by Wed. Wed. night all of our programs start over as well as dinner. I'd hate to miss any of that. Last treatment by Wed. I just felt tired, like I'd had the flu the past couple of days. We'll see. . .

Another thing I did today was go talk to the IRS. The lady that helped me was so nice. It turns out that I only have to pay $65 a month for the next 5 years and then I'll have last years taxes paid off. I might even get money back this year since I'm not working. I talked to the NC tax people last week and I'm paying them $15 a month to pay off last years state taxes. One of their workers called and asked me to call her back, (Gloria was her name), but she left me the wrong phone number and her extension # was wrong too. I called NC State tax people yesterday to try and figure out who I needed to talk to and they pulled up her name and connected me directly so I left a message with her to please give me her number again and her extension as well because her first message was a little garbled and so she called while I was out and asked me to call her back, but surprise, surprise, she left me no numbers! Is this crazy or what?? It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe she'll call next week and I'll talk to her directly. Hopefully she doesn't call on my "bad day".

My life has begun to settle into a pattern. I try and have breakfast or lunch at least once a week with my friends. It gets me out of the house, and keeps them informed. It seems strange not working. I've worked my whole life. My sister doesn't feel like working anymore and she had the opportunity to stay on unemployment for 6 months but she chose to go back to work taking a job with a substantial pay decrease but she at least has benefits. She said she thinks she's just burned out on working all the time. I told her I would gladly trade places with her. I think it put life into perspective for her.

Kim is really struggling with my sickness. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, I'd feel the same way. It can't be easy knowing your sister is going through so much and being so far away that you feel totally helpless for them. She sent me a check for $117 and that's what I used today to purchase my wig. The total was $140 with a 15% discount because of medical reasons. Thanks Sis for the love. I should take a picture so she can see how good I look! Maybe I will.

Well that's about all the new stuff I have to tell. I'll let you know how this next round of chemo goes. Hope this blog keeps everyone informed.

quite a bit accomplished today. . .

Hey everybody,
It's been a great day!! I wanted to mow my lawn this a.m. but my neighbor, Steve, said he'd do it. I told him I was fine, but he insisted I not do it myself. It's kind of like Scott Cooper on Sunday who saw me back behind the baptistry carrying out one of the banners. He told me to put it down because if someone saw me carrying it, he'd be in trouble or look bad. I don't get what the big deal is. I guess people would be surprised if they knew I wanted to go work Habitat. I probably can't this month because the weekend it hits will be the weekend after my 2nd chemo treatment. I'd have a week to recuperate, but people would still say I was being too crazy. I'm not being crazy, I just feel normal and this is stuff that I'd normally do. At least most people get the need for me not to just sit in a rocking chair everyday.

I moved the furniture around today. After my last treatment I realized that the furniture wasn't sitting in the right spots. It took me about 3 hrs. today since I had to vacuum as well, but it looks good, now. I got the laundry caught up and all the dishes washed in the dishwasher, and I even made homemade applesauce! The dietitian told me apples were ok as long as I don't eat the skin. She also suggested that I make my own so I could control the amount of sugar in it. I had a mug today while the apples were still hot, and boy it tasted fantastic!!

I'm having lunch tomorrow with Sheri and Barbara at the Bra Patch. I used to help Sheri clean Barbara's house and I haven't seen her since we stopped working together. She's sent me several cards and I'm really looking forward to lunch tomorrow. Sheri's getting us chicken salad and tea and I'm taking chips and my homemade applesauce. I hope Sheri's feeling ok. She broke her baby toe on Saturday trying to open the door for work. She's wearing a shoe boot, and she has to go see an orthopedic to see if anything else needs to be done. She said it didn't really hurt, but we'll see. . .

Yesterday afternoon Shannon and I went to the movies and saw, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants". I liked the first one, and I think I liked this one even better. Go see it if you get the chance. I like that all the original characters had returned. Sometimes that doesn't always happen. The only problem was that we went to the 4:10 show, and I forgot about the tutoring again on Mondays. I don't why I can't seem to remember to go. I always went after work, but since everything's happended, I can't ever remember to go. I don't think about it until after 6 that day or sometimes it doesn't hit me until Tuesday. I'm pretty good at remembering Wed. I didn't go last Wed. because of recuperating from the treatment, but I"m going to tomorrow.

I had lab work done yesterday at Rex Cancer Center and all the levels are staying up. I feel fine. The nurse said I should be feeling a little tired because my iron is a little low, but I don't. I have noticed that my energy level goes down sooner than it used to but I figured I was just getting lazy because I'm not working as hard as I used to. I don't think my iron level has gone back to normal since all the surgery I went through. I'm trying to eat lots of red meat and lots of protein. Food still tastes like food and so I'm eating almost nonstop thanks to the steroids. I lost about 7-8 lbs. after chemo but I'm putting it back on. Yesterday the scale said I'd only lost 3 lbs. so I figure by time I go for my next treatment next Friday, my weight should be back to normal. I'm eating lots of carbs and fattening foods and drinking Ensure Plus everyday. 8 oz. of Ensure has 350 calories all by itself.

I mentioned before that I'm trying to go home before my next treatment, but I can't seem to get the government to put my disability check into my checking account. I've called my case manager at least 5 times in the past week, but she doesn't return my calls. She told me to call her but I'm not sure what's the point if she doesn't respond back. I'm still hoping I can leave on Friday a.m. and stay until Tues. We'll see. . .

Well not much more to say. It's just been a fruitful, busy day.

what a week

Time has really flown this week. I thought I was free and clear from the side effects of chemo, but I was wrong. I survived the weekend, but then Monday hit. I'm grateful to God that Sunday was a good day for me. I was able to go to church and worship with the body, ( I so need that right now!), I went to Sunday School and even went out to dinner with a friend. I took some meds at 6 p.m. during music practice Sunday night that sent my heart racing. I stopped at Walmart afterwards and checked my blood pressure. It was 147/96 with a pulse rate of 97. I called Monday a.m. back to Rex before I took the meds again and they told me I didn't need to take them anymore. We're going to discuss them when I go in for Lab work next Monday a.m. I'm scheduled to take them the day before my next chemo treatment on the 22nd. I think they might be a little too strong.

On Monday a.m. I called Sherry G. to see if she could ride along with me out to Rex because they had billed me twice for the prescriptions on Friday. She came over about 3 and we took off. I was starting to feel a little tired but I didn't think too much about it. That night when my friend, Nelson, called, (he calls every night before he goes to bed and we chat a little bit. He's so encouraging.), the minute I picked up the phone, I became nauseous. I hung up, ran for the bathroom, tried to open the meds I had, could barely get the back of the package off, took the med and thank God(literally), the nausea stopped. I took my ativan(it's like Valium), to help me get some sleep. My body started aching so much, I tossed and turned all night. By time a.m. came, I got up, fed all the cats and started making phone calls asking for some help. I could barely move. I did eat some fiber one cereal because I was also struggling with constipation,(another side effect of chemo), and then fell back into bed. Shannon called and said she needed to take a shower and then she'd be right over. She was great!! She emptied the litter box, made me lunch, ran a little laundry through, even made me some noodles for dinner later. She also did some stuff on the computer for me. I tried to sit in the rocking chair in the computer room, but I just didn't have the energy to sit. I laid on the sleeper sofa the rest of the day. The bottom of my feet and the back of my calves hurt the most. It was almost impossible to walk across the floor! By dinner time I figured I feel better, but no such luck. My neighbor came over, fed all the cats, warmed my dinner and said to call if I needed anything else. I didn't take anything when I went to bed that night. I tossed and turned again, but by Wed. a.m. I was able to do for myself again. I definitely shouldn't complain. It could have been so much worse!

Today I'm back to my old self which is why I can blog today. All of my friends have checked in with my everyday and all of them have offered to come and help in some way, but this round I'm ok. I know each round will require more and more assistance from others and that's really hard for me. I tend to be a very independent person. I've spent my whole life taking care of others. It's just who I am. I have discovered though with this trial in my life, that I definitely will need others to help out. I had lunch with both of my girls yesterday and I loved it. I'm hoping we can have more times like that. They didn't ignore me and we talked about different stuff going on. I got tired sooner than I thought I would, but it still worked out ok. Maybe we can go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants together. That's a movie I know I would enjoy. The first one was pretty good and I've read all of the books. My energy level should be staying up until the next round, we'll see.

In my quiet time with the Lord today, I began to realize that this is the first trial I've had in my life where I haven't automatically asked God to show me how he can use this to help someone else. I dont' know why that is exactly. We have a special concert coming up at church to introduce the new contemporary service we're starting on Sept. 21st. The music we're learning is so different from music we've been using. It's very relevant to today. It makes me cry sometimes trying to sing them. The hardest one for me to sing right now is a song by "Casting Crowns" called The Voice of Truth. If you haven't heard it yet, go to utube and listen to it. It's all about who's voice you're going to choose to listen to when "life can be rough".

Who knew when I titled this blog how true those words were going to become in my life? God knew!! In this trial there is nothing else to trust in but Him. Nobody else knows the outcome but Him. Nobody knows what lies ahead but Him. Forgive me Lord for being so selfish and not allowing you to use me through this. People at church all talk about how strong I am and what I testimony I have, but I feel like I'm not sure what testimony I'm really having right now.

Lord, let me see who You see and let Your words come through my mouth to comfort those who are hurting. On Sunday Lord, let the songs that have been chosen speak volumes to the hurting hearts that are there. May Your name be raised up in praise and may You be glorified everyday through my life. Sorry that sounded so preachy but sometimes I get carried away with my Lord and feel as though I've left this Earth and am sitting at His feet in the throne room of grace. Have you ever felt like that?? I love those times and wish I would take advantage of them more The fact that I'm not working, leaves me without excuse to not have more of those times. It's so easy to get caught up in earthly things, but He patiently waits for me to pull away and climb into his lap and just be. I think that brings me more comfort than anything else ever could!! Try it!!You'll be surprised how refreshing it feels! It's like the deer who pants for water, and then finds he doesn't thirst anymore once he's fond what he's been looking and longing for.

Robin called today and shared that she has a friend who has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I wanted to cry with her. The prognosis is so different with lung cancer than ovarian cancer. She asked me what encouraged me most throughout all of this. I told her that the fact that all the friends that I contacted in the beginning were willing to put everything else going on in their lives on hold that first week while I was in the hospital, was probably the lovingest thing that anybody had ever done for me. It brought so much comfort knowing that I wasn't alone. When I was a single parent there were many days when I definitely knew I was facing life alone. I had nobody else to depend upon. Everything depended on me. It was overwhelming to say the least. It wasn't that people didn't want to help, they just couldn't. All the responsiblilty for what happened was laid on my shoulders. With this trial, there wasn't anything I could do, but my friends covered me and held me and stayed with me and carried me through some very dark days. You are all still walking with me!! I feel so loved and special!! I shared with her that I dont' expect people to do what I would do. I would drop everything and be there for any of them, but my life is different and I'm able to do that, they're not, but they DID drop everything and that speaks volumes.

I hope those of you who are reading this blog don't feel like you can't share with me what's going on and that I'm too fragile to be able to be there for you. Nothing could be further from the truth! It's true that the week after chemo will be challenging but that still leaves me the other 2 weeks after that and I'm there for you. Please let God continue to use me in your life. It's what I do best!!
Life can be rough, but God puts people into our lives that carry us through those times. He never expects us to walk through life alone even when we may not have someone special in our lives during that time. Families and friends are God's blessings in our lives. Allow God to use them and then give Him the glory and praise that He so richly deserves. He loves you so much. There's nothing that can keep His love from you. So. . .go climb into His lap, He's been waiting to hold you for so long!

first chemo yesterday

On Friday I had my first chemo. My friend Robin, of 20 years, went with me and it went ok. I met with a dietitan before the chemo and she was so helpful. I've been having some issues with my bowels every since the surgery. She asked me what I'm eating and told me I was eating all the wrong foods. She made some new suggestions, and when she explained how my body was digesting foods differently than other people, it all made sense. I can eat whatever I want but with moderation and some modifications to the foods. The chemo causes constipation so this is working in my favor right now too. I had a normal bowel movement after chemo yesterday, go Mom.
When Robin and I talked to the Dr. and the chemo nurse on Wed., we came out feeling like they weren't listening to me. They told me they were going to give me 25 mg. of Benadryl before the first chemo drug and then 25 mg. before the second chemo drug. I told them I was ultra-drug sensitive and that we might want to consider a lower dosage.
On Friday they started the Benadryl and within 2 minutes, I told Robin the IV was feeling very cold. She called them over, they said that was perfectly normal, I told them the IV was feeling like ice cubes and was beginning to burn, and then I told them the things across the room were starting to float and I was beginning to float as well. They told me close my eyes and stay with them. After about 2 min. more they asked me how the IV was feeling and I told them it was ok. They asked me to open my eyes. Things across the room weren't floating, but they looked wavy. They asked me if the wavy stuff was making me feel nauseous and I told them no. They told me that it was ok if I was floating and that I just needed to let the Benadryl put me to sleep. I heard them tell Robin that I did have a bad reaction to the drug, but they slowed the IV down half as fast, it seemed like I could tolerate that level. I slept for 2 1/2 hr. and when I woke up I was still sleepy but ok. They were supposed to administer the chemo drugs a little slower the first time but they didn't. They also didn't give me more Benadryl before the 2nd chemo drug and we noticed that the presciptions that they sent me home with were cut in half. They finally listened

Last night I should have felt nauseous before bedtime but I didn't. They gave me something to help me go to sleep, but the Benadryl hadn't worn off yet. In fact I could hardly keep my eyes open all afternoon so I went to bed at 10 last night and slept all night long.

Today I should have flu like symptoms and feel all achy but I don't. I had a meeting at church from 10-1, then I stopped and grabbed a few groceries, came home and rested all afternoon and I'm feeling like my old self. Tomorrow I should feel horrible, Monday I should feel flu like again and by Tues. I should be normal. We'll see. . .

I have lab work scheduled on Monday a.m. Aug. 11 and then I'm planning on leaving for Indiana on Tues, Aug 12 and staying until the following Monday. It'll feel good to see everyone back there and it will be a nice break for me. I get so pampered when I'm there. It's like a vacation. I laugh and have a great time. I want to go now because the effects of chemo are accumulative so each treatment gets harder. I only have 5 more to go.

So many people are praying and so many people have sent cards. I have over 100 gracing my bedroom wall now, and more just keep pouring in.

I'm still waiting for that first Social Security check to get into my checking account. It should be any day now. Yesterday at Rex, when they went to use my debit card to pay for my $9 worth of prescriptions, they told me that they had made a mistake and that they needed to do it again. When I checked my online banking today, they had taken out $27.60 total instead of just $9.
Columbiahouse, my DVD online company just took out another $25.54 for a DVD that I had already declined online, so now they have over $50 of my money that I'll need to try and get back. The only good financial news that I've had recently, is that my $53 prescription for my HRT patch that I have to change every 3 1/2 days to 4 is now only costing me $3 thanks to the Medicaid I'm now receiving. I think I can turn in my receipts for the other two I've already paid out and they'll reimburse me, we'll see.

As far as my personal life, I feel like it's on hold most days. Shannon keeps in touch pretty much on a regular basis, and since my last Blog, Katie is returning my cell phone calls. I know that she still loves me and her not returning my calls is not personal at all, but I just need to hear her voice. It would be nice if she even just called once a week and said "Mom I only have 5 minutes before I need to go, but how's it going?" I could handle that. I just need to hear her voice and know that I'm important enough for her to take the time to see how I'm doing. Dinner, in or out, once a month would be nice too, but I know she's very busy. It's a busy time in her life, I get that, I just want to be a small part of that busyness. I love her so much!!

My church life has changed dramatically. I've had to drop out of working with the kids and I miss them so much. I try every two weeks or so to stop in and say hello. I love the hugs and kisses they give. They have great teachers replacing Jackie and I and they're doing fine. I'm struggling more than they are. I like my new S.S. class. It's nice being with all women about my age. Diane Sims is a great teacher. She's so compassionate and sweet. She emails me almost everyday and I know how busy she is. I've been able to stay with the music teams and choir. I'm grateful for that. They're willing to let me join them whenever I feel up to it. I couldn't ask for anything more. I would miss the singing probably more than anything else I do there. At least I still have that.

It's been fun going out for breakfast, lunch or dinner with friends and it's great seeing everyone and just relaxing most days. I haven't had a break in years, so this is all new to me. I miss seeing my clients every other week, but hopefully I can go visiting them soon. They all email or call, so we haven't lost touch. Maria Sanchez has taken most of my clients and Jackie Cooper has interviewed a couple of them. It think it's going ok.

I try and schedule something to do most days, just so I have something to look forward to. It helps me keep going and gets me out of bed. Not that the cats don't help in that dept. I'll be glad when the sun stops coming up so early. Most days they're both jumping on my bed at 5a.m. and wanting me to open the back door so they can be on the porch, so I get up and open the bedroom window so Skittles can climb through , otherwise he'll whine at the window until I open it, then feed the outdoor cats their breakfast, let Buttons have his a.m. drink from the tub spout, and by then I'm wide awake so I watch a movie in the living room and go back to sleep until 8 when I start my day. Cats. . .you've gotta love them. . .

I still want to see Get Smart. Maybe I'll quit blogging today and look and see where it's playing. I'm waiting for it to go to the $1.50 theatre. I blog too long anyways, but the way I look at it, this isn't really a blog, it's my diary. I've never been brief telling anything, so why would my blog be any different.

More another day. . .