just when you think things will begin happening. . .

I called Rex Cancer Treatment Center on Monday to see if I could continue taking the herbal stuff I've starting taking to correct my bowels, and I thought I was starting chemo this Wed., but no, I'm TOURING the center today. I'm meeting with my Dr. there and they're explaining to me all about their center and what they have to offer. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for today but did I really have to wait two weeks before I could do this today?

The good part is that I'm spending the day with Robin. We hardly ever get to see each other so this is a real treat for both of us. We're meeting early for some shopping and then eating lunch there at Crabtree. I have to be at Rex at 12:30 for my appt. but I'm scheduled for 1 with the Dr. herself. Hopefully we'll have a date today for the first chemo and not having them tell me they need to run more tests before we can get started. We'll see what the day brings. . .

I've cut out tomatoes from my diet and it seems to helping the bowel situation. My body never seems to behave like it's supposed to. I'm supposed to be constipated from the surgery, but that definitely is not the problem. I can't eat fruit anymore or beans, so I'm trying to eat as much bulking stuff that I can. Lots of cheese, peanut butter, bananas, bland foods in general.

I went to the Mexican restaurant with my new Sunday School class, but I only ordered a beef quesadilla and rice on the side. I only ate 1/4 of the rice and all the quesadilla and so far, so good. Today I'm eating at Hectors, so I should be ok.

The financial stuff is finally coming together. It's nice not having the credit card people calling everyday and the church has been great helping me pay the bills. I should get my first disability check today or Sat. at the latest. Then a week later get another one for August. Works for me!! It's not much, but I haven't had a paycheck since the end of May, so I'm excited.

Depending on when they schedule my first chemo, I may be going home to Indiana next week. I won't go if they schedule me for next week to start, but if it's two weeks from now, I'm going. I probably won't leave until Monday so I don't have to deal with weekend traffic and stay until Saturday. I know people think I'm crazy for even thinking of driving that far, but I feel like my old self again. Sitting here day after day, eating out with friends here and there, is not enough for me. Besides, my family needs to see me. Plus the way I look at it, if Rex is taking this long to start chemo(it's been 8 weeks since my surgery), then they don't seem to be too worried about the cancer.

It's funny how people look at me and the comments they make about how strong a person I am and how I just keep plugging along. I find that funny! Let's see. . .I had surgery 2 months ago now, and why wouldn't I be feeling like myself by now? I don't see the big deal. I'm not doing anything "superhuman", it's just been long enough for my recovery. No big deal, really!! I'm afraid that's what my family in Indiana is thinking too. That's why I need to go back if possible. Then they'll see that I'm really my old self now and that I'm not putting up this brave front.

With starting chemo, I know I won't see them over the holidays and once I start I'll probably be too tired to make the trip. That means it will be next spring or summer before they can see me again, and that's too long. So here's hoping they don't start chemo for another two weeks. Of course saying that, we all know they'll start chemo next week. That's usually how life works, don't you agree?

Well shopping is calling my name along with a lot of other things, so that's all for now.

today's the day. . .

Well today's the day. We're finally having the picture done today. Shannon came by on Monday night and helped me choose the right outfit. She picked out the blue outfit, but unfortunately, I'm wearing pink today. I'm wearing my pink blouse and then Sherry Knight's calling me after lunch, when she finishes work, and I'm going to her place and see if she has some capris that will fit me. She said she has about 6 pair, sizes 12-16. One of them should fit me. I'm a little nervous about the picture. All the ladies are so different. Putting them altogether should be interesting. I'll try and describe each one to you. . .



First there's Tracie. She's a nurse so she looks at everything medically. She tends to see things a little worse than they may be. When I was so sick that first week(because of the intolerance to the morphine), she told everyone I was dying. I've heard I looked pretty bad so I understand why she felt that way, but it wasn't the truth. It COULD have been the truth, but wasn't. Tracie was probably more valuable though to me, than anyone else. Her husband Jon works for the state with the disability and he pushed my paperwork through and showed me what to do or I'd still be buried in red tape. Not to mention that Tracie took me to UNC for most of my Dr. visits. I think she still worries that I might die, but that's just the nurse inside her. I think when we get to end of the chemo, everything's going to be fine. Dr. Soper said that they got 98-99 percent of the cancer and that the other 1-2 percent they'd get with 6 mos. of chem. I believe him. We'll just have to wait and see.



Then there's Sheri K. I've know Sheri every since we've moved here. We worked together for about 9 years and then we didn't see each other for awhile. She was the first one I called when I found out I might have cancer. She came to the house and I told her everything. We talked about my Dad and all that he went through and I told her things that I've never told anyone else. We have that kind of relationship, we always have. I can't hide with Sheri, but I don't want to. We laughed and we cried together and I can't thank God enough for bringing her back into my life.



There's also another Sherry, Sherry G. I've known Sherry as long as I've known Sheri K, but our relationship has always been different. Sherry was the one who helped me find a place to live when Alan and I separated and I couldn't afford to stay in the apt. we'd been renting near the church. She talked to the park manager and told him about me and he allowed me to move into the mobile home park with the girls. The rent was only $375 when I moved in and Sherry and her husband, Fred, became invaluable to me during those years in my life. They watched over the girls and I the whole time. In fact I live in their house now, because years ago, mine flooded while I was in Indiana visiting family. They had moved out less than a year before and the manager had rented it to some mexicans and they had destroyed some of it. They were in the process of getting it ready to make it available and Ray, the manager let me have it. It costs $25 more than my old place, but it has a screened-in back porch that the cats and I enjoy almost year round. Sherry's place in this new chapter in my life, is that she's the only one not connected to New Hope Baptist Church anymore. They left the church several years ago. She's become informed about nutrition as far as using herbal remedies and natural diets to become healthier. She gave me some drops that you use twice a day(10 drops each), that correct your PH levels. All I can say is that thanks to her, by bowels are finally becoming a non-issue again. I feel better, too. I loved going to the Farmer's Market and getting fresh fruits and vegetables with her this week. Next week I'm going with Sheri K. She wants to go and she wants to know about those drops, because she's having intestinal issues.



Then there's Robin. I've known Robin since Shannon was about 3-4 months old. She worked with Alan for a few years, then moved here to Raleigh, then Alan worked with her, and now I have a relationship with her. God uses Robin as a counselor for me. She's also very aware of my feelings for Alan still. I think she thinks I love him still, and I do but not to the degree that she's thinking I do. Does that make sense? She'd love for us to get back together some day, but he's married to Jamie,(his choice). They've been married now for 10 years, and they seem to be doing ok, so I don't really see Alan in that sense. I wouldn't want to be with him again anyways, because you need to respect and trust the person you're with, and I feel neither of them for him, for obvious reasons. I care a great deal for him. I always will. I have many fond memories of him and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but life has moved on. If God chose to bring us back together, I know all things are possible with Him, but I don't see that happening in the future and I'm ok with that. I have no desires to be with Him in that way again. We go to things that the kids are involved in and we're fine being around each other, but that's all. We're not really friends, but we're definitely not enemies either. I don't wish him and Jamie any bad stuff. I hope they are happy together. Life's too short to be miserable. If she makes him happy, good for them.



Amy. . .Amy should be in the picture but for some reason Robin doesn't want her there and she doesn't see why I would want her there. Amy is really Robin's friend, but for some reason, God brought Amy back into my life. Amy and I don't really have a relationship, but God has our paths cross every now and then and I know at the time it's significant. Robin thinks that Amy's only there because of her, but I know differently. I don't always see at the time why God has placed her there, but He always reveals it to me later. When I was in the hospital, Robin wanted to spend the day with me, but she really had to go to work, so Amy stayed with me all day. She took good care of me. I don't remember much that first week, just bits and pieces, but I remember hearing Amy's voice, and it comforted me to know that someone was there. Amy also bought this huge paper mache flower with Robin at the gift shop, and they placed it in the window in my room, and everyone commented about it. It's very unique and really cool. I loved it because it was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes each morning and it reminded me of how loved I am. I have it sitting on top of the TV in the livingroom now, and I love seeing it everyday. Amy also watched Robin's kids a few times so I could have Robin all to myself. We spent several hours talking about everything and how I was feeling. Basically, Robin counseled me. She always has. Robin gives me free counseling everytime I see her. She makes me talk about everything going on and gives me insight that I might not be able to grasp on my own. God always reveals something to me when I'm with Robin, and I love her for that. She would say that she doesn't counsel me, but that's because it's ingrained so much into her, that it's just who she is, and she couldn't be any other way.



Well that's the ladies in a nut shell. They're all so different and I relate to each of them so differently. Today should be interesting. All four spent time with me at the hospital, but they were usually there at different times. I love each one of them and value their friendship more than they'll ever know. I thank God everyday that they're a part of my life again. It's been neat to see the "puzzle pieces", coming together through all of this. Each of them have told me I should write a book, but it would be hard to remember everything, so much has happened. I'll try to get started on it, but I can't make any promises. It's hard enough just keeping up with this blog.



More another time. . .

movie was ok. . .

I went to movies last night with the girls. The movie was ok but not worth $7.75. I already knew the story line so that part wasn't a surprise to me. The part that bothers me the most is that I don't understand why they used such "older" people in this movie when it would have been better to use younger people. In the movie, Meryl Streep, the mom is 17 when she . . .
(movie's lingo not mine), and then her daughter is 20, which would make the mom only 37, but Meryl Streep is over 50, so is Pierce Brosnon. To see these older people jumping around and trying to do a musical was weird to say the least. Only the 20 year old daughter could really sing. The others were ok, but not quality musical voices. I can see why the younger generation would like the music. It's music that was made big in the 70"s-80"s and that music wasn't too bad. And why is it that every movie made now has to have a gay person represented in it? It had nothing to do with the movie's story line and it wasn't necessary. It would be different if it related to the story, but as usual it didn't.

I thought it would be fun to spend time with the girls. It was ok, but it would be nice if they actually talked to me. When we were walking to the car afterwards, I thought of the fact if my mom and I would have ever seen a movie together. Probably not, but if the girls ask me out, they could at least include me in their conversation. It's almost always like that. I feel like the third wheel, whenever we're together lately. I definitely don't fit in. I'm not really sure why they ask me go with them. Neither of them talk to me. They talk to each other during the movie, but I'm never included. It kind of hurts my feelings, but it is what it is. Maybe I should just stay away.

I'm concerned about Katie. I get it that she's married now and that she talks to Nick and so she doesn't need to talk to me anymore, but she doesn't talk to me at all. It's like she's pulled her heart out where I'm concerned because she's afraid that in the end, she'll get hurt. It's easier to pull out now, that way if in the end I die, she doesn't get hurt as much. What she doesn't realize is that this may be the only time we have left and I'm worried that if I don't make it, then she'll spend the rest of her life with regrets for the time we've wasted. I can't make any guarantees that this won't end badly, but I wish we could reconnect today. We were always so close, but now I feel like we have nothing between us. I tried to get together with her over the week of the 4th of July but she doesn't return my calls and makes no attempts to get together for lunch or anything. I can't force a relationship with her. I made every attempt that I possibly can. It breaks my heart as the mom, but I don't know what else to do. I can't try anymore. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I don't know how to reach her anymore. Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion, but I don't think so. There's definitely something going on, but I'm not sure what. I wish she'd just talk to me or email me or just communicate how she feels about all this stuff.

We're on for the picture on Thursday. I wanted to just wear blue jeans and then coordinate the tops with everyone, but jeans are out. We're wearing khaki colored bottoms, and pink or blue tops. I have khaki capris, but I can't wear them because they have embroidered flowers on them, and they have to be plain, so I'm wearing my khaki linen skirt. We're supposed to wear tops with sleeves, but it's summer and I don't really have sleeved tops. I wear camis with blouses over the top like a jacket look. The top has to be a solid color as well. I have a pink capped sleeve top, but it doesn't really look good with the skirt. I think it's too casual. Maybe I should ask Shannon or Katie to come over and help me pick out my outfit. I'm a little nervous about having my picture taken. It's not really my thing, but I really want a picture of all the girls, so here goes. . .

Well, I have a birthday dinner to go to for a friend. It's her 40th and there's about 35 people meeting for dinner to celebrate with her and going back to her place for dessert. It should be fun and she deserves to be loved. More another day. . .

updates

This week has been hard. I spent the last two weeks trying to contact all my creditors and trying to work out a way that I can afford to pay everybody something each month. My counselor at Clearpoint Financial Solutions has been out on extended medical leave herself and has just come back to work this week. My file is such a mess!!

On May 28th I stopped them from withdrawing $500 from my checking account because I knew I was having surgery and I didn't have any idea how long it would be until I could go back to work again. It was supposed to be about 6 weeks, but if you've read my previous blogs, you know I'm not working until next year.(That seems so far away).

They didn't take the money out in May but because I didn't contact them in June, June 30th they withdrew $500 I didn't have. I've had no income coming in since May 28th, and I've talked to Clearpoint and have worked with them almost every other day on the finances, but for some reason no one contacted the right dept. to stop the payments.

I talked to Sandy, (my counselor), on Monday and she said they would make it right. On Wed. she called to say that they've already sent payments out, (funny that I still have creditors calling), and that there's nothing they can do. She IS writing me a letter so I can take it to the church and to the bank to see if I can get the NSF fee back. The problem is that now I have to have $455 in my account by July 30th, and I only have $230.

I found out by accident on Wed. night at church that there is $2250 in a fund that's been set up for me, but it's used to pay bills. They can't pay me directly, (which I understand and totally agree with), but with no income coming in, how am I going to put $455 in my account by the end of the month.

I was so upset about the bank situation on Monday, that I came home and cried all afternoon. This trial is so hard for me. I've never had to depend on others for so much help in my whole entire life. Even when Alan left me, I just went out and got a job that God led me to, moved out of the apt. that we lived in because it was too expensive, and moved into a place that God provided for us, and made it work for all those years. This is so different! This time I can't go get a job, although I do live in a place where I'm not paying rent until I go back to work next year, and if that's not a God thing, then I don't know what is.

God has provided other things as well. The church is paying my bills that I turn in, a S.S. class is paying off my car each month, people in the church provided so much food, I had to give most of it away or it would spoil. I needed more freezer space, and someone is loaning me their chest freezer. I have more than 100 cards on my bedroom wall and 20 cards from kids reminding me how many people love me. When I cried out to God on Tuesday and told Him I didn't know how I was going to keep my checking acct. out of the red, within 1 hour, JoAnne called from church to say that a S.S. class had $200 for me and they didn't want me to put it in the fund, but wanted me to have it personally. I picked it up on Wed. and deposited it in my bank acct. God provides over and over again for me, but still I worry.

I saw John Rossi last night and he said he had some bad news for me. My request for help from Social Security has been put on hold. Two or three times a year they audit some of the requests, and then they are sent to Atlanta to see if they're being processed correctly. Mine was audited. . .it could be 4 wks. or more before it's sent back here. That means it will probably be another month before I receive any financial aid for the govt. WHY!! Then I get in the mail yesterday that one of the counselors at Soc. Sec. wants more info and that I need to set up an appt. and go in and talk to them. I've called and left a message with her today, but no call back yet

On the good side though, Robin called today. She's arranged for a photographer to take any pictures that I want taken. He's a well known professional photographer here in Raleigh. I can't mention his name because this is all hush, hush. Robin was thinking I'd like a family portrait done, but we had the opportunity to have one done at the church this past fall, and the kids didn't seem interested. We have photos of all us casually, so maybe that's ok for them. I've chosen to have a picture taken with all my Christian sisters who helped me so much at UNC and are still helping me on a daily basis. The photo will include, Robin, myself, Traci, Sheri, Sherry, and Amy. I want to have a group picture of all of us, and I guess he wants to do pictures of each one of them with me, so all of us will have pictures of each other. It's so special of him to do this. We wanted to get this done before I begin chemo in case my hair falls out. Robin called and she's on her way to talk to him and schedule us. It looks like next Thursday July 24) after 4 works for everybody. Any time works for me because I have no life anymore . . .

I AM going out tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't seen both girls since I left their apt. in June after my surgery. We're having girls night out and going to see Mama Mia that opens today. I love musicals and so do they, so it should be pretty good. It's getting good reviews.

Most days I'm frustrated at having to wait. I wait for chemo so start, I wait for bill callers to call and harass me, (one just called and the funny thing is I just talked to them this a.m. and thought everything was ok, WRONG). I almost hung up on him, I get so frustrated!! I'm waiting for money to start coming in from Soc.Sec.(that's a joke), I'm waiting for the next shoe to fall, so to speak. It never ends!! The hardest part of this trial is that I literally have no control over anything going on in my life right now, and it's scary. The disease is scary, the treatment is scary, the finances are scary, the stress level is unbelievable right now, but I don't let on to anyone what's really going on because no one can help me right now. Talking about it, won't change any of it. So I wait. . .and do what I can on my end, which isn't much. It's so hard!

there are days when the stress level is so high that I just spend the next day "vegging out". I don't answer the phone, I don't talk to anyone, I just spend the day reading, napping, and eating. I can't handle people that day so I just stay in and act like I'm not here. Then the next day I have the strength I need and work on whatever I can. I have a "veggie" at least once or twice a week now. I've never had "veggie" days in my whole entire life, but it's all I know how to do in order to keep going.

To say that life can be rough, doesn't seem strong enough right now for how I'm feeling. Thank God not everyday is overwhelming, just some days.

That's my update. . .

it's been too long. . .

So much has happened since my last blog, it seems impossible how things can change so fast.

I went to Wake Med North on May 19th because I didn't feel good all weekend. I also knew my heart was racing way too fast. While there they discovered a grapefruit sized tumor on my ovary. Even though I was in the emergency rooms for 18 hours before they sent me home at 1a.m., they still did nothing to slow my heart down.

The next day I called my cardiologist and the following a.m. I met with him and he started me on a beta blocker. As bad as I was feeling, I still kept working, because being self-employed, I needed to work as much as I possibly could before I had my appt. with the oncologist at UNC Chapel Hill Women's Hospital. My belly kept filling up with fluid the whole time so by time I saw the oncologist on May 30th, I looked like I was in my second trimester of pregnancy. I was miserable. All of my organs were being pressed up into my ribcage. I was exhausted 24/7, but tried to keep going so people wouldn't worry too much about me. I entered the hospital on Sunday, June 1 with surgery scheduled first thing Monday a.m. They were sure they would do a complete hysterectomy, but they wouldn't know what else would need to be done until they opened me up. Later I found out they not only did the hysterectomy but they also removed 12" of bowels, and my spleen, and any lymph nodes that 1 cm. or larger. I remember bits and pieces of my first week in the hospital, but since I was on morphine for pain, and we discovered four days later that I'm allergic to morphine, after spending they next three days getting it out of my system, I felt much better. My recovery was a complete 360 degree turn around. No one believe I was the same person from the week before. I guess the first week, I became non-responsive at one point, so I was sent to ICU, ( I don't remember any of that). I only remember from about Sunday night, June 8th until I went home.Those days I remember everything very clearly.



I was discharged from the hospital on June17th and went to Katie and Nick's to recuperate a few days before I could go home and take care of myself alone. They were all great, especially my Shannon. She was such a big help and Katie made sure that I got enough exercise too. But by Saturday, I'd had enough of being around people so I told the girls I wanted to go home. They didn't really want to do that, but I wasn't backing down. I knew I'd do better at home, sleeping in my own bed, and being able to just see my own stuff. My whole life had been turned upside down in such a short time, that I needed to be able to control something.



I've been home alone now for 3 weeks, and yesterday saw my oncologist and I told him I feel super and I'm ready to move on to the 6 mos. of chemo. His nurse should be calling me with the info sometime this week. I'll have chemo once a week every three weeks, for 6 mos. No radiation. I'll see my oncologist in 3 mos. for a checkup and then at the end of 6 mos. they'll do a CT scan and go from there. He doesn't believe there will be any cancer left after chemo, nor do I but I will deal with what is, is that's the case.



I've applied for Social Security benefits and also Medicaid. I've pretty much been accepted by both so I should begin receiving some pay soon.



New Hope, my church has been so supportive. Financially, food wise, meal wise, cards, and especially their prayers have carried me through. Even today someone has brought me a chest size freezer so I can free up some of my frigerator freezer space. God is so good!!

I don't know what the future holds but I know the God who is in control of all things and none of this has been a surprise to Him and that comforts me more that anything. Maybe that's why I've started blogging.

I gave my life to Christ when I was 19 and have never wanted to take it back. I know I would only make a mess of everything. God has carried me through so many rough spots in my life and He's proven Himself to be faithful over and over again. I'm not afraid of the future but I worry about the girls and my friends and how they'll handle everything if things turn sour down the road. I feel like Paul sometimes. . .I long to go home to heaven to see my Dad and other family members who have gone on ahead of me, but I have so many special people that God has brought into my life and He has used me so many times as part of His heavenly plans. I know that only God numbers my days, not cancer or anything else. I may die next year or 50 years from now. only God knows when I've finished all that He has for me.

I won't be working until next year so I'm without excuse for not keeping up with this blogging. I'll do my best.

More later. . .remember life can be rough, but God is in control!