what a week

Time has really flown this week. I thought I was free and clear from the side effects of chemo, but I was wrong. I survived the weekend, but then Monday hit. I'm grateful to God that Sunday was a good day for me. I was able to go to church and worship with the body, ( I so need that right now!), I went to Sunday School and even went out to dinner with a friend. I took some meds at 6 p.m. during music practice Sunday night that sent my heart racing. I stopped at Walmart afterwards and checked my blood pressure. It was 147/96 with a pulse rate of 97. I called Monday a.m. back to Rex before I took the meds again and they told me I didn't need to take them anymore. We're going to discuss them when I go in for Lab work next Monday a.m. I'm scheduled to take them the day before my next chemo treatment on the 22nd. I think they might be a little too strong.

On Monday a.m. I called Sherry G. to see if she could ride along with me out to Rex because they had billed me twice for the prescriptions on Friday. She came over about 3 and we took off. I was starting to feel a little tired but I didn't think too much about it. That night when my friend, Nelson, called, (he calls every night before he goes to bed and we chat a little bit. He's so encouraging.), the minute I picked up the phone, I became nauseous. I hung up, ran for the bathroom, tried to open the meds I had, could barely get the back of the package off, took the med and thank God(literally), the nausea stopped. I took my ativan(it's like Valium), to help me get some sleep. My body started aching so much, I tossed and turned all night. By time a.m. came, I got up, fed all the cats and started making phone calls asking for some help. I could barely move. I did eat some fiber one cereal because I was also struggling with constipation,(another side effect of chemo), and then fell back into bed. Shannon called and said she needed to take a shower and then she'd be right over. She was great!! She emptied the litter box, made me lunch, ran a little laundry through, even made me some noodles for dinner later. She also did some stuff on the computer for me. I tried to sit in the rocking chair in the computer room, but I just didn't have the energy to sit. I laid on the sleeper sofa the rest of the day. The bottom of my feet and the back of my calves hurt the most. It was almost impossible to walk across the floor! By dinner time I figured I feel better, but no such luck. My neighbor came over, fed all the cats, warmed my dinner and said to call if I needed anything else. I didn't take anything when I went to bed that night. I tossed and turned again, but by Wed. a.m. I was able to do for myself again. I definitely shouldn't complain. It could have been so much worse!

Today I'm back to my old self which is why I can blog today. All of my friends have checked in with my everyday and all of them have offered to come and help in some way, but this round I'm ok. I know each round will require more and more assistance from others and that's really hard for me. I tend to be a very independent person. I've spent my whole life taking care of others. It's just who I am. I have discovered though with this trial in my life, that I definitely will need others to help out. I had lunch with both of my girls yesterday and I loved it. I'm hoping we can have more times like that. They didn't ignore me and we talked about different stuff going on. I got tired sooner than I thought I would, but it still worked out ok. Maybe we can go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants together. That's a movie I know I would enjoy. The first one was pretty good and I've read all of the books. My energy level should be staying up until the next round, we'll see.

In my quiet time with the Lord today, I began to realize that this is the first trial I've had in my life where I haven't automatically asked God to show me how he can use this to help someone else. I dont' know why that is exactly. We have a special concert coming up at church to introduce the new contemporary service we're starting on Sept. 21st. The music we're learning is so different from music we've been using. It's very relevant to today. It makes me cry sometimes trying to sing them. The hardest one for me to sing right now is a song by "Casting Crowns" called The Voice of Truth. If you haven't heard it yet, go to utube and listen to it. It's all about who's voice you're going to choose to listen to when "life can be rough".

Who knew when I titled this blog how true those words were going to become in my life? God knew!! In this trial there is nothing else to trust in but Him. Nobody else knows the outcome but Him. Nobody knows what lies ahead but Him. Forgive me Lord for being so selfish and not allowing you to use me through this. People at church all talk about how strong I am and what I testimony I have, but I feel like I'm not sure what testimony I'm really having right now.

Lord, let me see who You see and let Your words come through my mouth to comfort those who are hurting. On Sunday Lord, let the songs that have been chosen speak volumes to the hurting hearts that are there. May Your name be raised up in praise and may You be glorified everyday through my life. Sorry that sounded so preachy but sometimes I get carried away with my Lord and feel as though I've left this Earth and am sitting at His feet in the throne room of grace. Have you ever felt like that?? I love those times and wish I would take advantage of them more The fact that I'm not working, leaves me without excuse to not have more of those times. It's so easy to get caught up in earthly things, but He patiently waits for me to pull away and climb into his lap and just be. I think that brings me more comfort than anything else ever could!! Try it!!You'll be surprised how refreshing it feels! It's like the deer who pants for water, and then finds he doesn't thirst anymore once he's fond what he's been looking and longing for.

Robin called today and shared that she has a friend who has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I wanted to cry with her. The prognosis is so different with lung cancer than ovarian cancer. She asked me what encouraged me most throughout all of this. I told her that the fact that all the friends that I contacted in the beginning were willing to put everything else going on in their lives on hold that first week while I was in the hospital, was probably the lovingest thing that anybody had ever done for me. It brought so much comfort knowing that I wasn't alone. When I was a single parent there were many days when I definitely knew I was facing life alone. I had nobody else to depend upon. Everything depended on me. It was overwhelming to say the least. It wasn't that people didn't want to help, they just couldn't. All the responsiblilty for what happened was laid on my shoulders. With this trial, there wasn't anything I could do, but my friends covered me and held me and stayed with me and carried me through some very dark days. You are all still walking with me!! I feel so loved and special!! I shared with her that I dont' expect people to do what I would do. I would drop everything and be there for any of them, but my life is different and I'm able to do that, they're not, but they DID drop everything and that speaks volumes.

I hope those of you who are reading this blog don't feel like you can't share with me what's going on and that I'm too fragile to be able to be there for you. Nothing could be further from the truth! It's true that the week after chemo will be challenging but that still leaves me the other 2 weeks after that and I'm there for you. Please let God continue to use me in your life. It's what I do best!!
Life can be rough, but God puts people into our lives that carry us through those times. He never expects us to walk through life alone even when we may not have someone special in our lives during that time. Families and friends are God's blessings in our lives. Allow God to use them and then give Him the glory and praise that He so richly deserves. He loves you so much. There's nothing that can keep His love from you. So. . .go climb into His lap, He's been waiting to hold you for so long!