updates

This week has been hard. I spent the last two weeks trying to contact all my creditors and trying to work out a way that I can afford to pay everybody something each month. My counselor at Clearpoint Financial Solutions has been out on extended medical leave herself and has just come back to work this week. My file is such a mess!!

On May 28th I stopped them from withdrawing $500 from my checking account because I knew I was having surgery and I didn't have any idea how long it would be until I could go back to work again. It was supposed to be about 6 weeks, but if you've read my previous blogs, you know I'm not working until next year.(That seems so far away).

They didn't take the money out in May but because I didn't contact them in June, June 30th they withdrew $500 I didn't have. I've had no income coming in since May 28th, and I've talked to Clearpoint and have worked with them almost every other day on the finances, but for some reason no one contacted the right dept. to stop the payments.

I talked to Sandy, (my counselor), on Monday and she said they would make it right. On Wed. she called to say that they've already sent payments out, (funny that I still have creditors calling), and that there's nothing they can do. She IS writing me a letter so I can take it to the church and to the bank to see if I can get the NSF fee back. The problem is that now I have to have $455 in my account by July 30th, and I only have $230.

I found out by accident on Wed. night at church that there is $2250 in a fund that's been set up for me, but it's used to pay bills. They can't pay me directly, (which I understand and totally agree with), but with no income coming in, how am I going to put $455 in my account by the end of the month.

I was so upset about the bank situation on Monday, that I came home and cried all afternoon. This trial is so hard for me. I've never had to depend on others for so much help in my whole entire life. Even when Alan left me, I just went out and got a job that God led me to, moved out of the apt. that we lived in because it was too expensive, and moved into a place that God provided for us, and made it work for all those years. This is so different! This time I can't go get a job, although I do live in a place where I'm not paying rent until I go back to work next year, and if that's not a God thing, then I don't know what is.

God has provided other things as well. The church is paying my bills that I turn in, a S.S. class is paying off my car each month, people in the church provided so much food, I had to give most of it away or it would spoil. I needed more freezer space, and someone is loaning me their chest freezer. I have more than 100 cards on my bedroom wall and 20 cards from kids reminding me how many people love me. When I cried out to God on Tuesday and told Him I didn't know how I was going to keep my checking acct. out of the red, within 1 hour, JoAnne called from church to say that a S.S. class had $200 for me and they didn't want me to put it in the fund, but wanted me to have it personally. I picked it up on Wed. and deposited it in my bank acct. God provides over and over again for me, but still I worry.

I saw John Rossi last night and he said he had some bad news for me. My request for help from Social Security has been put on hold. Two or three times a year they audit some of the requests, and then they are sent to Atlanta to see if they're being processed correctly. Mine was audited. . .it could be 4 wks. or more before it's sent back here. That means it will probably be another month before I receive any financial aid for the govt. WHY!! Then I get in the mail yesterday that one of the counselors at Soc. Sec. wants more info and that I need to set up an appt. and go in and talk to them. I've called and left a message with her today, but no call back yet

On the good side though, Robin called today. She's arranged for a photographer to take any pictures that I want taken. He's a well known professional photographer here in Raleigh. I can't mention his name because this is all hush, hush. Robin was thinking I'd like a family portrait done, but we had the opportunity to have one done at the church this past fall, and the kids didn't seem interested. We have photos of all us casually, so maybe that's ok for them. I've chosen to have a picture taken with all my Christian sisters who helped me so much at UNC and are still helping me on a daily basis. The photo will include, Robin, myself, Traci, Sheri, Sherry, and Amy. I want to have a group picture of all of us, and I guess he wants to do pictures of each one of them with me, so all of us will have pictures of each other. It's so special of him to do this. We wanted to get this done before I begin chemo in case my hair falls out. Robin called and she's on her way to talk to him and schedule us. It looks like next Thursday July 24) after 4 works for everybody. Any time works for me because I have no life anymore . . .

I AM going out tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't seen both girls since I left their apt. in June after my surgery. We're having girls night out and going to see Mama Mia that opens today. I love musicals and so do they, so it should be pretty good. It's getting good reviews.

Most days I'm frustrated at having to wait. I wait for chemo so start, I wait for bill callers to call and harass me, (one just called and the funny thing is I just talked to them this a.m. and thought everything was ok, WRONG). I almost hung up on him, I get so frustrated!! I'm waiting for money to start coming in from Soc.Sec.(that's a joke), I'm waiting for the next shoe to fall, so to speak. It never ends!! The hardest part of this trial is that I literally have no control over anything going on in my life right now, and it's scary. The disease is scary, the treatment is scary, the finances are scary, the stress level is unbelievable right now, but I don't let on to anyone what's really going on because no one can help me right now. Talking about it, won't change any of it. So I wait. . .and do what I can on my end, which isn't much. It's so hard!

there are days when the stress level is so high that I just spend the next day "vegging out". I don't answer the phone, I don't talk to anyone, I just spend the day reading, napping, and eating. I can't handle people that day so I just stay in and act like I'm not here. Then the next day I have the strength I need and work on whatever I can. I have a "veggie" at least once or twice a week now. I've never had "veggie" days in my whole entire life, but it's all I know how to do in order to keep going.

To say that life can be rough, doesn't seem strong enough right now for how I'm feeling. Thank God not everyday is overwhelming, just some days.

That's my update. . .